Online Dating Feature Translator

Note:  This post includes sarcasm and humor.  If you don't have a sense of humor, can't laugh at the world around you, and/or you are easily offended... you might want to avoid reading it.  On the other hand if you don't take everything quite so seriously then by all means read on.

I've had a bit of experience in the online dating world, and I've learned a few things along the way.  The most obvious thing I have learned is that people are less than honest about how they represent themselves in their dating profiles, and with a bit of knowledge you can do a much better job of interpreting what some of these key terms actually mean.

Bubbly Personality:  If you read a profile that indicates the person has a "bubbly personality" it probably means they won't stop talking for more than 20 seconds at a time - even while eating a meal.  These are the types of people who feel that the number of words coming out of their mouth is actually more important than the words themselves.  In short this is like dating someone who acts like they have drank six cups of coffee and slammed two Red Bulls within the last 30 minutes.  Much like alcohol and fast food, these are the types of people who are best in moderation.

Athletic:  This is a tough one.  This can often mean that a woman is referring to her build rather than the type of activities she is interested in.  In many cases it means they like to shoot pool or play darts, and they have been known to go bowling, but in other times it simply means they are stocky and look like a softball player... even though they don't play softball.  What it does not mean is that they are the type who works out five days a week and has a washboard stomach nor does it mean she is known to wear sports bras and go for a nightly run.  Keep dreaming.

Enjoy being treated like a lady:  This simply means she has no intention of paying for any dates, and you had better be prepared to go to a nice restaurant, so scratch Applebee's off the list.  This also means she will most likely need to get her eyebrows waxed every three weeks, her nails done at least once a month, and she very well may have a membership to a local tanning salon.  In short - she is high maintenance, and she knows it.  Be prepared to open a lot of doors and don't be shocked if a date gets ruined due to a broken nail at some point.

Fun-Loving: As much as you may want to think this means she enjoys ice skating and trips to Disneyland, it really means her idea of a good time involves a small town bar, a karaoke machine, and numerous rounds of stale tap beer.  There is also a high probability that she has had the same friends since high school, and they have a strong desire to talk about their high school classmates even though they graduated sometime in the 90s.

Drama-Free:  This typically means her last relationship included a lot of screaming and yelling and perhaps at least one visit from the local police after neighbors called in a possible domestic disturbance.  She assumes because they broke up that there will be no more drama and she assumes the former boyfriend and/or husband was the problem.  Oddly enough she claims three of her four last ex-boyfriends were all responsible for untold amounts of drama, and if you end up dating her you can anticipate a fight that results in her either threatening to kill herself or one in which she is sitting in the driveway blocking your car as she cries her eyes out and tells you how special you are.  Run.  Don't even think about engaging her in conversation... just run.

Goal Oriented:  This typically means she attended a reputable College or University and earned her degree and/or is currently pursuing a degree, and that she has goals.  The goals typically include having anywhere from two to four children, driving a Lexus, and marrying someone who either has a trust fund or currently makes at least six-figures.  Oh yea... and they also want to travel to Europe and/or vacation in Mexico at least once every other year.

Goal Orientated:  See "Goal Oriented" above, and instead of a college degree from a reputable College or University just assume they attended (or possibly graduated from) a local Community College.

Carefree:  Chances are she has at least three collection agencies looking for her, and she hasn't been tested for STDs since the Clinton administration.  This is the type of women who might be fun to date once or twice because that is about as long as she will remain interested.

Shaped like women should be:  There is no nice way of saying this... if a woman brags that she is shaped like women should be, it simply means she is overweight.  Worse than that, she won't admit she is overweight and thus she feels society should adapt to her version of "normal" even if it means her BMI is somewhere north of 30.  She will try to fit into clothing that is far too small and she will insist on wearing pants that are so tight that she will have a permanent muffin-top spilling out from her waist.  She will also be known to exceed the tensile strength on most of the fabrics she wraps around her body and it isn't unheard of for women like this to carry safety pins and duct tape to address various wardrobe malfunctions if and when they do occur.  If you do decide to date a woman like this, I'd suggest wearing eye protection anytime she wears something with buttons because a button under pressure is like a ticking time-bomb and can seriously injure someone when it lets go.

Curvy:  This can be a couple of different things.  In rare instances, this could be a very average sized woman who is not entirely comfortable with her body.  In other cases, it could be a thin woman who has had breast implants and who is very proud of them, but in the vast majority of the time it simply means the woman has a very large backside and instead of trying some targeted exercises to tone up, she is more interested in buying bras from Victoria Secret that will push her breasts together with such force that it can create an optical illusion that tricks the viewer into thinking her breasts and behind are in direct proportion to one another.  Let there be no doubt, curves on a woman are sexy, but there is a difference between legitimate curves, and the type of woman who waves hello and her arm stops moving six seconds after her hand.

There you have it - just a few tips to let you know what you might come across.  There are many others of course, but I can't possible cover every scenario here, but it should give you a good head start.  Above all else just remember that when it comes to online dating, people are generally liars, and it is in your best interests to remain skeptical about almost anything that comes out of the mouth of the other person until you have time to verify it for yourself.  Online dating profiles are a lot like print ads for fast food places... they look nice and peak your interest, but the real thing is often a disappointment.

Used Car Feature Translator

If you have ever shopped for a used car, you know there is a lot of wordsmithing that goes on for the advertisements.  I've purchased more than my fair share of cars in my day, and I've spent countless hours browsing for cars, speaking to salespeople, driving through car lots, and researching cars on the Internet. 

During this time, I have come to realize that much of is written in car advertisements takes a bit of knowledge to interpret, and here are a few of the more egregious examples of terms used to describe a vehicle along with what that term actually means:

Well maintained:  This means if something broke and the car wouldn't start it was taken to the dealership and it was fixed.  The oil has probably been changed at least once or twice a year, but only after the car started "making funny noises".  The car was washed at least once a month though, so that qualifies as maintenance.

Chances are this car will need to have the transmission serviced, the power steering and brake fluid replaced, the radiator flushed, the air filter, cabin air filter, and spark plugs replaced, and pretty much an entire tune up.  The suspension components need lubrication, and the alignment hasn't been checked since the Clinton administration.

Glossy paint:  The fact is, any car that has been washed on a regular basis and that isn't more than 15 years old probably has glossy paint (or will have after a good wax job) so if you see this written in an ad, it probably means there isn't much else to brag about.  The tires will be shot, the seats will be torn and faded, the stereo probably only plays music from the front passenger side speaker, and the windshield looks like it lost a battle against a gravel truck.

New tires:  This can mean a few different things.  If the car is less than three years old, this probably means the previous owner did a few burn outs and ruined the tires.  If the car has 40,000 miles or more the tires are probably new but they will be from some random tire manufacturer in China or Korea that you have never heard of, and they will probably sound like you are driving on a washboard at speeds in excess of 50mph.  The chances of finding a car with a set of new Yokohamas or Bridgestones is highly unlikely. 

Also, when a dealer brags about their used car having brand new tires, it can often be simply a way to cover up the uneven wear on the tires due to camber or toe-in issues.  Trust me... they aren't doing you any favors by putting $300 worth of cheap import tires on a used car.

Always garaged:  This probably means the owner of the car parked in the garage when at home, so those scratches on the door are from when their eight year old slammed against the car as they tried to ride their bike out into the driveway.  It also may mean the car was in pieces for several years and wasn't running so they used the back seat to store lumber and aluminum cans.  Let's just say if you open a car door and catch a strong cedar-like odor... you might want to start asking questions.

A classic barn find:  If you are in the market for a 60s muscle car or unmolested numbers-matching sports car, the idea of an old barn find is very appealing.  However, most cars that are pushed into a barn and left there for a few decades were put there because they didn't run - not because the previous owner thought it might be worth restoring one day.  The reality is, if someone advertises a car as a barn find, the engine will be seized and there won't be a battery in the car to see if it would even be possible to turn it over.  The oil in the crankcase will essentially be the consistency of road tar, the transmission fluid will look like honey, the tires will be flat and cracked from dry rot, the headliner and interior will be ripped, faded, and stained, and the driver's seat foam will be chewed up from the family of mice who has been making the car their home for the past few decades.

If someone claims their car is a barn find, chances are you are looking at at least 30 years of neglect on top of whatever forced the owner to push the car into a barn that many years ago.  You can also bet that at least a few of the parts that are meant to be installed on the engine (carburetor, valve covers, radiator, distributor etc) will be contained in cardboard boxes stored in either the back seat or the trunk.  At some point the owner will probably utter the phrase that "it just needs to be cleaned up and tuned up", but unless you are prepared for a complete frame-off restoration that could very well take three to five years of your life... this is probably a bad idea.

Adult driven:  This is a classic, and at first glance you think that means the car was probably treated with respect and that the oil was changed every 3,000 miles.  The best thing to do in this case is to examine the owner's garage when you go to look at the car.  If the garage is full of NASCAR memorabilia or the owner is wearing a t-shirt featuring their favorite race driver... you may want to reconsider.  Another good tactic is to check all the radio presets.  If they are set to the classic music, talk radio, or oldies stations you are probably in the clear, but if they are set to the hard rock, metal, and hip/hop stations chances are this "adult" is still suffering from a mid-life crisis, and the transmission, rear tires, and suspension are all shot.

One owner:  This one has always baffled me.  Why should I care if a car was owned by one person or three people?  I could see a red flag popping up if the car had been owned by five different people in the past two years, but for the most part the own owner thing is meaningless.  The one owner line can sometimes be used when a parent buys a car but every kid in the family has driven it at one point or another. 

Mechanic's Special:  This means they couldn't afford to have someone fix it for them since the cost of the necessary repairs are at least 20% greater than the blue book value of the car itself.  For every problem the car displays while it is sitting in the owner's driveway, you can easily assume there are at least five or six more that will present themselves within 45 minutes of signing a bill of sale.

Dependable:  Chances are everything that can typically go wrong with a car has probably been fixed in the past three years or so, thus the owner feels the car should be dependable from this point forward.  This is no way suggests the car has been dependable up to this point, and if you decide to take a chance you may later determine your chances of getting home on any given night depend if you are able to fix it yourself when it breaks down on the side of the road.

Things You Hear When You Are Moving

I've moved many, many times in my life, and I've helped countless friends and family members move as well.  Moving is not something that many people enjoy, and in fact I would argue it is probably just below a visit to the dentist on the list of things most people hate.

The thing is, I learn something each and every time I move, and I learn even more when I help someone else move.  This is a list of things I have heard while moving... and what those things actually mean.

"Here... I just need you to balance it".  This really means.... "get ready... I'm going to drop this on your head or somehow cause you to tear some cartilage in your left knee".

"It's not heavy... it's just awkward to carry".  This actually means it is really super heavy and would probably be best if at least four grown men helped to carry it, but chances are you will be stuck moving it with the guy who is trying to save face in front of his girlfriend and who would never admit that an item is above his lifting capacity.

"Hold on a second while I adjust my grip".  This is a tricky one, because it can mean one of two things.  The most common translation tells us that the person who said this is probably a weakling and is having trouble lifting their portion of the item, however it is also possible that they are just looking for a clever way to shift the bulk of the weight onto others via clever hand placement.  Either way when you hear this you had better prepare for the worst.

"We are moving from a small one room apartment into a house across town".  This means the one room apartment will probably be on the third floor of the building and there is no chance of an elevator.  There is also a good chance that they will have half of their belongings in a storage facility elsewhere... which they conveniently forgot to mention.

"The kids will help".  This one really depends upon the age of the kids.  If they are toddler age up through around age five, they will do a great job of unpacking the boxes that were just packed, and if you decide to lift a heavy item they will probably be underfoot.  If the kids are teenagers, you can expect they will move about as fast as a Three-Toed Sloth and they will never carry more than one box at a time, no matter how small that box may be.  If the kids are teenage girls, you can expect to see them carrying a makeup bag in one arm and a Abercrombie sweatshirt in the other as they pack it into the car... then they will need to spend at least 10-15 minutes in order to catch up on their texting between trips.

"Bring your truck just in case we need it".  This is a classic.  Often times they will mention that they already have several other friends with trucks or trailers and in some cases they may even claim they have arranged for a moving truck, but chances are you will show up to find their idea of a moving truck is their uncle's Chevy Astro Van so anything that doesn't fit will likely find its way into the back of your truck.  You can pretty much assume you're paying for your own gas on this one too... even if it is an out-of-town move.

"The only heavy items are a couch, a bed, and a television."  What this really means is the couch is a hideabed their grandmother gave them in 1982 and it weighs approximately the same as a small Volkswagen.  The couch is also spring loaded so every time you try to adjust it while carrying it, the mattress will start to pop open which will force you to stop and close it again. 

The bed they mentioned is a king size bed located in the second floor of the house, but nobody can figure out how it got up there in the first place because it doesn't seem like will fit down the stairs, and the television is a rear projection model that was the pinnacle of home entertainment technology in 1994 and happens to weigh somewhere just above 300lbs.  It is also located in the basement rec room and the only way out of the basement is via a staircase that is nowhere near current building code and that would make a Sherpa proclaim "wow... that's steep".

Did I mention if you show up three hours late you will notice that all of the light items have already been loaded and that they have saved the heavy stuff for you?  Yea... that's standard practice right there.

"There will be a ton of people to help".  This typically means the person you are helping will be there along with his 90lb cousin who has trouble carrying the ironing board.  It is highly likely that approximately 20 minutes before you are done, three other friends or family members will show up and each carry two items out to the vehicle.  These same three people will probably be asking about the free pizza they were promised within an hour.

"It's supposed to be a nice day".  If you hear this one and it is between the months of April and September, you can assume it will either be above 90 degrees or that it will be raining.  Possibly both.  If you hear this between October and March, chances are it will either be snowing or sleeting, and the temperature will be somewhere South of 15 degrees.  No matter what time of year it is, there is a high probability the wind will be blowing at least 25mph.

"I'm ready to move so just show up when you can".  This actually means they are half packed and don't have enough boxes to hold all of their stuff.  They are also running short of packing tape, and they only rented the truck for three hours so you need to get going before they get charged extra.  Chances are if you aren't onsite by 7:45AM they will be calling you every five minutes on your cell phone wondering what is taking you so long... and they will ask you to stop by Walmart on the way to pick up some packing tape and then see if you can find some boxes behind the store.  You won't be reimbursed for the tape.

"If you help, I'll give you all of the pizza and beer you can handle".  This is a common ploy to convince friends and family members that they should help, but when you show up you soon realize the only beer is a six pack of Coors Light that expired four months ago, and the only pizza is a frozen Totino's Party Pizza that is sitting in the freezer. 

"I didn't realize it would take this long".  This usually means they thought it would take all day, but they didn't anticipate you would still be carrying boxes at 11:30PM.  With that being said, they will ask you to follow them so they can drop off the rental truck and then you can give them a ride back across town.

"Thanks for all of your help... I'll return the favor the next time you need to move".  Chances are when you do need to move sometime in the future, the person who said this to you will have to attend a funeral for their girlfriend's aunt somewhere in Wisconsin that weekend.  Count on it.

"I'm never moving again" and/or "I tell you what... I'm not moving for a long, long time".  This means they will break their lease early or find their dream home across town in approximately five months.  If you're smart you will schedule something every weekend for that entire month well in advance... just to be safe.

Like it or not, moving stinks.  It is examples like these that have taught me there are times in life when having a bad back might actually be a good thing, but if nothing else it has taught me no matter how much a professional moving crew costs... it is probably well worth it.  Always remember, professional movers charge a lot less per hour than a therapist, and the movers won't make you come back every week for six months.

What Was Once Old... Is New Again

Have you ever heard the phrase "what was once old is new again"?   I'm here to tell you that that particular phrase is idiotic.  Just think about it... whoever started using that phrase is trying to suggest if you wait long enough that an old item will somehow become new, and I have to tell you based upon what I know of time travel and basic laws of physics that just isn't possible.

I understand why people use this phrase, but I just disagree with the premise.  For example someone might comment that teenage girls are now starting to wear leg warmers with their skirts, which as we all know was as style that was very popular in the 1980s.  So, it isn't surprising when someone utters the cliche that what was once old is new again, but in reality legwarmers aren't new.  The style of wearing legwarmers isn't new either, so really there is nothing new about it. 

This is just a matter of people revisiting an old style, but simply revisiting something does not in any way make it new.  If that were true, I'd be driving a new car every morning when I head to work.  So are we to believe if you do a specific act each day it becomes old, but if you wait a few months or a few years and then do that same thing again that it is new?  Hogwash.

Listen... things can only be new once.  Anything after that point is old.  I know this will pain many 40-something women out there who are starting to see gray hair and wrinkles when they look in the mirror, but it isn't meant to be mean.  It doesn't matter if we are talking about items, people, or styles... old is old, and new is new.  There is no such thing as old becoming new just as new cannot be old, so adapt and get over it.

Another thing that bothers me is this stupid word "renew".  You cannot re-new something.  It was once new... and now it is old.  If it was new yesterday you might argue it is almost new today (which holds up a lot better if you are talking about a car as opposed to a ham sandwich), but you can't just "renew" everything and pretend it is new once again.  It might be new to you, you might find a new way of looking at things, but if something existed or was done at any time in the past, it just isn't new anymore. 

I renew magazine subscriptions... does that mean the magazine is entirely new?  Of course not!  Although that particular issue of the magazine might be new, the magazine itself, and the subscription to said magazine is not new... so is it really possible to re-new something?  Not really.  The term re-new is just a fancy way of selling us something again without letting us know we aren't really getting anything new.

It all comes down to the fact that we as humans have a desire to have new things.  Whether they are really, truly "new", or just "new to us" doesn't seem to matter.  In fact many people collect antiques that they know are old, but they don't refer to them as old things or used things because that doesn't sound as nice as the terms vintage, antique, historic, or whatever label they choose to use instead of simply saying they are old.  So, we somehow are tricking ourselves into thinking these old things are actually new, and we use colorful language to make the differentiation in order to appease our own minds.

So now it all makes sense.  I realize not everyone feels the same way, but I have a new way of thinking about things.  Or is that an old way of thinking about things?

Worth a Thousand Words

A few years ago when I became a father, I received a gift of a metal picture frame that says "Dad" on the bottom.  Inside the frame is a photograph of me holding my infant daughter while she sleeps.  It is a nice photo, and I understand the meaning behind it, but there is some confusion at work here.

The thing is, these types of picture frames always bother me because of the whole built-in purpose.  Since the frame says "Dad" I can't exactly just put a newer photo of my daughter in it without me being in the photo... because that would be odd.  Also, shouldn't the photo really be a photo of my dad rather than a picture of me as a dad?  Would it be weird to have a photo of me alone in it?  I mean I'm the dad... so isn't that what the frame is for?

If I had a frame that said daughter, I wouldn't expect me to be in the photo, but I would expect it to be a photo of my daughter.  Same is true if the frame said "Best Friend"... that wouldn't be a photo of me, but rather a photo of a best friend right?  Of course if the frame said "Best Friends" then I would expect to see an image of two people... one of which could be me.  If I saw a photo of just one person the context is just wrong and it wouldn't make sense unless that person happened to suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder.

So what about those frames that say "I Love You" on the bottom.  I would seem rather conceited if I put a photo of myself in one of those frames wouldn't I?  Even if I was in the photo with someone else it still would border on being a bit too vain.  So in that case I suspect it would be best to insert a photo of a loved one that I actually did love.

It gets even more confusing when the frame has a name on it.  So if I had a frame that said "Tom" on the bottom, I assume that means I would have a photo of Tom in the frame.  Of course this means I would need to know a Tom, but I suppose if worse came to worse I could just print out an image of that MySpace guy.

So if a picture frame with a name on it is designed to have a photo of that person in it, it seems that any frame that says "Dad" should have a picture of Dad in it... but not necessarily me, but rather it seems to make more sense to have a photo of my dad - or I should just put in a photo of me and then give the frame to my daughter.  She is only 2 1/2 years old... so I'm guessing she probably wouldn't put nearly as much thought into this as I do... so that would probably work.

On second thought... maybe the picture frame companies need to start including directions on these things to make it easier.  They do of course give you stock images in the frames most of the time (see photo above), but even those are confusing because in some dad frames it just shows one guy while in others it shows a man and child.  I even saw one that had two girls in it which is even more confusing, and one had a girl with a dog which suggests either they are being very liberal with the meaning of the term "dad" or they are from the deep South where that type of thing is considered normal.

I suppose I could be the only person on the planet who has ever given this subject much thought, but hey... if we allow people to just start putting random photos in random frames with no structure behind it before you know it the poles of the Earth could reverse, dogs will be sleeping with cats, and we might actually see a Republican say something positive about President Obama.

Yea I know - it will never happen.

I Probably Hate You...

If you park in the fire lane of a retail store just to run in “real quick” – even if you leave your wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, dog, cat, child, or aging grandmother in the passenger seat and you somehow think this makes it acceptable... I probably hate you. I don’t care if the engine is still running or if it is 2:45am and the parking lot is empty. I still hate you.

If you have ever used that checkbox that allows you to vote a straight party ticket rather than actually knowing enough about the candidates to vote for them individually... I probably hate you.

If you have ever played your incredibly obnoxious car stereo late at night in a residential area where people are trying to sleep (or put their kids to sleep)... I probably hate you.

If you are currently on welfare, unemployment, or any other government assistance program and are buying lottery tickets, cigarettes, or have satellite television complete with premium movie channels... I probably hate you.

If you follow the religion of your parents, their parents, and their parents just because that is what you grew up with and you have never take the time to honestly and objectively question why you believe what you do... I probably hate you.

If you believe Fox News is in fact the only “unbiased” television news network or that their motto of “fair and balanced” is based in truth... I probably hate you. In fact, if you excuse Fox News by proclaiming CNN is biased in the other direction I probably hate you more.

If you see that your lane of the road is blocked 300 yards ahead and instead of merging behind all the other cars waiting their turn you decide to speed up and try to wedge yourself in between the cars at the front of the line in order to save 30 seconds off your trip... I probably hate you. If you get mad when someone sees you trying to speed ahead of everyone else and refuses to let you cut in front of them... I probably hate you and your parents.

If you have ever protested anything while forcing your young children to protest with you – regardless of what you are protesting for or against... I probably hate you. If you have done this in inclement weather I probably hate you six times more than I hated you the first time.

If you are the guy who always thinks he has the right to fit through the intersection even if that green arrow turned red long before you got there... I probably hate you.

If you have ever chucked a cigarette butt out the window with no care whatsoever for the car behind you or the environment, or if you have ever tried to convince someone that it wasn’t littering... I probably hate you.

If you have ever forwarded some idiotic chain email without taking the 45 seconds to verify it via a Google search first... I probably hate you.

If you have ever had anything to do with advertising via little plastic signs littered all across the countryside on every major intersection and along every major road, regardless of whether you were advertising for your business, for a miracle weight loss drug, for your local church, or for a political candidate... I probably hate you.

If recycling is mandated in your community yet you refuse to recycle due to it being so inconvenient for you on a personal level... I probably hate you.

If you feel the need to dig your hand to the bottom of your bag of popcorn ensuring you produce as much noise as possible from the paper bag while grabbing a entire handful of popcorn only to attempt to jam the entire thing in your mouth over, and over, and over again while watching a movie in a public theater... I probably hate you.

If you are the parents who are always whining about how your kid doesn’t get enough playing time and then proceed to yell and complain at the umpire at every little league game you go to... I probably hate you.

If you have ever forced your kids to play sports and put their athletic ability above their education and everything else knowing full well an education will be more valuable to their future than a state trophy ever will, merely because you wish to live vicariously through them... I probably hate you.

If you ever purchased a home on an interest only mortgage, lease all of your vehicles, and carry three or more credit cards with a balance yet have the audacity to complain when you have trouble making your house payments... I probably hate you.

If you have been driving for more than six months and yet still don’t understand who should yield at an intersection, or if you have yet to grasp the concept that the first car who stopped is the first car to go regardless if they are turning or going straight... I probably hate you.

If you eat with your mouth open, or if you decide it is important to talk while eating with your mouth open, or if you can’t seem to control the amount of disgusting noise your mouth makes while eating with your mouth open... I probably hate you. Granted I will likely do whatever I can to avoid being in a room where you are eating, but I’ll still probably hate you.

If you have ever blamed your bank or mortgage company for your financial state or claimed they were predatory lenders while refusing to accept responsibility for being the moron who signed the paperwork accepting the money... I probably hate you.

If you have ever sued someone for an accident which was at least in part a result of your own stupidity or ignorance, or if you have felt that you “deserved” financial compensation for something which was nothing more than an inconvenience to you... I probably hate you.

If you over the age of 16 and send no less than 40 text messages a day from your cell phone, and feel the need to respond to text messages you receive regardless of whether you are driving in a car, eating dinner at an upscale restaurant, or sitting in a movie theater... I probably hate you.

If you have a strong desire to see who is on this week’s cover of People or US Weekly and actually hold a subscription to either or both of these magazines... I probably hate you.

If you whine about your financial situation while having the best digital cable package, a cell phone, a smoking habit, bottled water in the refrigerator, more vehicles than you do drivers in your household, or designer clothes hanging in your closet... I probably hate you.

If you have ever based hiring decisions not upon who the best, brightest, most talented, and qualified candidate was but rather based upon who is your friend, relative, related to your friend or relative, or who has the least chance of making you look stupid at your own job due to their work ethic... I probably hate you.

If you have ever purchased a $70 pair of jeans or a $90 leather jacket for an infant, or if you refuse to dress your child in anything that doesn’t say “Baby Gap” or “Ralph Lauren” on the label... I probably hate you.

If you have ever used the terms “pro-aborts”, “anti-choice”, “pro-murder”, “anti-woman” or any such phrase when debating the topic of abortion, or if you fail to understand the mutually accepted labels of “pro-choice” and “pro-life” are considered acceptable by both sides, or if you have attempted to blur the issue by refusing to accept the medically acceptable term is “fetus” rather than “blob of tissue” “preborn”, “preborn baby”, “preborn human”, etc, etc... I probably hate you.

If you have ever assumed someone was “isolated” or otherwise uneducated simply due to the fact they don’t live in a large metropolitan area without grasping the concept that people do in fact know how to travel and people can be very cultured even if they choose to live in Nebraska or Idaho... I probably hate you.

If you feel one political party is always right while the other is always wrong, or if you pretend to be non-partisan while only professing the viewpoints supported by any one political party, or if you have changed your voter registration to independent just so you can pretend to be non-partisan while in reality you continue to vote for the same party time and time again just as you always have... I probably hate you.

If you are still off the belief that climate change is nothing more than a ruse developed to make the environmentalists wealthy while refusing to acknowledge that more wealth is being made by those wishing to harm the environment than will ever be made by those wishing to protect it, or if you simply don’t believe climate change is real or if you have ever uttered the phrase “the jury is still out” while discussing climate change while failing to understand, recognize, or acknowledge that EVERY major scientific agency around the globe that studies climate change does in fact agree that yes it is real and yes humans play a major role in it... I probably hate you.

If you have ever purposefully parked across two parking spaces in any parking lot because you feel your car is more important than anyone else’s and are so afraid of door dings that you feel you are worthy... I probably hate you.

If you are more than 100lbs overweight and blame your condition upon genetics, or if you are convinced the only way to lose weight is to have some type of gastric bypass surgery without acknowledging that if you would simply eat less food you would get the same result... I probably hate you. If you care for someone who is so obese they can’t leave the house (which means you are the one providing the food for them) I probably hate you too.

If you have ever discussed artwork from the likes of Jackson Pollock and professed some senseless drivel about how he grasped such deep emotion or how his extensive use of the color pallet was so unique or that his work encompasses more talent than his peers without acknowledging that the average four year old could produce the same types of paintings given adequate supplies of automotive paint and canvas... I probably hate you.