Thursday, March 25, 2010

I Probably Hate You...

If you park in the fire lane of a retail store just to run in “real quick” – even if you leave your wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, dog, cat, child, or aging grandmother in the passenger seat and you somehow think this makes it acceptable... I probably hate you. I don’t care if the engine is still running or if it is 2:45am and the parking lot is empty. I still hate you.

If you have ever used that checkbox that allows you to vote a straight party ticket rather than actually knowing enough about the candidates to vote for them individually... I probably hate you.

If you have ever played your incredibly obnoxious car stereo late at night in a residential area where people are trying to sleep (or put their kids to sleep)... I probably hate you.

If you are currently on welfare, unemployment, or any other government assistance program and are buying lottery tickets, cigarettes, or have satellite television complete with premium movie channels... I probably hate you.

If you follow the religion of your parents, their parents, and their parents just because that is what you grew up with and you have never take the time to honestly and objectively question why you believe what you do... I probably hate you.

If you believe Fox News is in fact the only “unbiased” television news network or that their motto of “fair and balanced” is based in truth... I probably hate you. In fact, if you excuse Fox News by proclaiming CNN is biased in the other direction I probably hate you more.

If you see that your lane of the road is blocked 300 yards ahead and instead of merging behind all the other cars waiting their turn you decide to speed up and try to wedge yourself in between the cars at the front of the line in order to save 30 seconds off your trip... I probably hate you. If you get mad when someone sees you trying to speed ahead of everyone else and refuses to let you cut in front of them... I probably hate you and your parents.

If you have ever protested anything while forcing your young children to protest with you – regardless of what you are protesting for or against... I probably hate you. If you have done this in inclement weather I probably hate you six times more than I hated you the first time.

If you are the guy who always thinks he has the right to fit through the intersection even if that green arrow turned red long before you got there... I probably hate you.

If you have ever chucked a cigarette butt out the window with no care whatsoever for the car behind you or the environment, or if you have ever tried to convince someone that it wasn’t littering... I probably hate you.

If you have ever forwarded some idiotic chain email without taking the 45 seconds to verify it via a Google search first... I probably hate you.

If you have ever had anything to do with advertising via little plastic signs littered all across the countryside on every major intersection and along every major road, regardless of whether you were advertising for your business, for a miracle weight loss drug, for your local church, or for a political candidate... I probably hate you.

If recycling is mandated in your community yet you refuse to recycle due to it being so inconvenient for you on a personal level... I probably hate you.

If you feel the need to dig your hand to the bottom of your bag of popcorn ensuring you produce as much noise as possible from the paper bag while grabbing a entire handful of popcorn only to attempt to jam the entire thing in your mouth over, and over, and over again while watching a movie in a public theater... I probably hate you.

If you are the parents who are always whining about how your kid doesn’t get enough playing time and then proceed to yell and complain at the umpire at every little league game you go to... I probably hate you.

If you have ever forced your kids to play sports and put their athletic ability above their education and everything else knowing full well an education will be more valuable to their future than a state trophy ever will, merely because you wish to live vicariously through them... I probably hate you.

If you ever purchased a home on an interest only mortgage, lease all of your vehicles, and carry three or more credit cards with a balance yet have the audacity to complain when you have trouble making your house payments... I probably hate you.

If you have been driving for more than six months and yet still don’t understand who should yield at an intersection, or if you have yet to grasp the concept that the first car who stopped is the first car to go regardless if they are turning or going straight... I probably hate you.

If you eat with your mouth open, or if you decide it is important to talk while eating with your mouth open, or if you can’t seem to control the amount of disgusting noise your mouth makes while eating with your mouth open... I probably hate you. Granted I will likely do whatever I can to avoid being in a room where you are eating, but I’ll still probably hate you.

If you have ever blamed your bank or mortgage company for your financial state or claimed they were predatory lenders while refusing to accept responsibility for being the moron who signed the paperwork accepting the money... I probably hate you.

If you have ever sued someone for an accident which was at least in part a result of your own stupidity or ignorance, or if you have felt that you “deserved” financial compensation for something which was nothing more than an inconvenience to you... I probably hate you.

If you over the age of 16 and send no less than 40 text messages a day from your cell phone, and feel the need to respond to text messages you receive regardless of whether you are driving in a car, eating dinner at an upscale restaurant, or sitting in a movie theater... I probably hate you.

If you have a strong desire to see who is on this week’s cover of People or US Weekly and actually hold a subscription to either or both of these magazines... I probably hate you.

If you whine about your financial situation while having the best digital cable package, a cell phone, a smoking habit, bottled water in the refrigerator, more vehicles than you do drivers in your household, or designer clothes hanging in your closet... I probably hate you.

If you have ever based hiring decisions not upon who the best, brightest, most talented, and qualified candidate was but rather based upon who is your friend, relative, related to your friend or relative, or who has the least chance of making you look stupid at your own job due to their work ethic... I probably hate you.

If you have ever purchased a $70 pair of jeans or a $90 leather jacket for an infant, or if you refuse to dress your child in anything that doesn’t say “Baby Gap” or “Ralph Lauren” on the label... I probably hate you.

If you have ever used the terms “pro-aborts”, “anti-choice”, “pro-murder”, “anti-woman” or any such phrase when debating the topic of abortion, or if you fail to understand the mutually accepted labels of “pro-choice” and “pro-life” are considered acceptable by both sides, or if you have attempted to blur the issue by refusing to accept the medically acceptable term is “fetus” rather than “blob of tissue” “preborn”, “preborn baby”, “preborn human”, etc, etc... I probably hate you.

If you have ever assumed someone was “isolated” or otherwise uneducated simply due to the fact they don’t live in a large metropolitan area without grasping the concept that people do in fact know how to travel and people can be very cultured even if they choose to live in Nebraska or Idaho... I probably hate you.

If you feel one political party is always right while the other is always wrong, or if you pretend to be non-partisan while only professing the viewpoints supported by any one political party, or if you have changed your voter registration to independent just so you can pretend to be non-partisan while in reality you continue to vote for the same party time and time again just as you always have... I probably hate you.

If you are still off the belief that climate change is nothing more than a ruse developed to make the environmentalists wealthy while refusing to acknowledge that more wealth is being made by those wishing to harm the environment than will ever be made by those wishing to protect it, or if you simply don’t believe climate change is real or if you have ever uttered the phrase “the jury is still out” while discussing climate change while failing to understand, recognize, or acknowledge that EVERY major scientific agency around the globe that studies climate change does in fact agree that yes it is real and yes humans play a major role in it... I probably hate you.

If you have ever purposefully parked across two parking spaces in any parking lot because you feel your car is more important than anyone else’s and are so afraid of door dings that you feel you are worthy... I probably hate you.

If you are more than 100lbs overweight and blame your condition upon genetics, or if you are convinced the only way to lose weight is to have some type of gastric bypass surgery without acknowledging that if you would simply eat less food you would get the same result... I probably hate you. If you care for someone who is so obese they can’t leave the house (which means you are the one providing the food for them) I probably hate you too.

If you have ever discussed artwork from the likes of Jackson Pollock and professed some senseless drivel about how he grasped such deep emotion or how his extensive use of the color pallet was so unique or that his work encompasses more talent than his peers without acknowledging that the average four year old could produce the same types of paintings given adequate supplies of automotive paint and canvas... I probably hate you.