Thursday, July 19, 2012
I've had a bit of experience in the online dating world, and I've learned a few things along the way. The most obvious thing I have learned is that people are less than honest about how they represent themselves in their dating profiles, and with a bit of knowledge you can do a much better job of interpreting what some of these key terms actually mean.
Bubbly Personality: If you read a profile that indicates the person has a "bubbly personality" it probably means they won't stop talking for more than 20 seconds at a time - even while eating a meal. These are the types of people who feel that the number of words coming out of their mouth is actually more important than the words themselves. In short this is like dating someone who acts like they have drank six cups of coffee and slammed two Red Bulls within the last 30 minutes. Much like alcohol and fast food, these are the types of people who are best in moderation.
Athletic: This is a tough one. This can often mean that a woman is referring to her build rather than the type of activities she is interested in. In many cases it means they like to shoot pool or play darts, and they have been known to go bowling, but in other times it simply means they are stocky and look like a softball player... even though they don't play softball. What it does not mean is that they are the type who works out five days a week and has a washboard stomach nor does it mean she is known to wear sports bras and go for a nightly run. Keep dreaming.
Enjoy being treated like a lady: This simply means she has no intention of paying for any dates, and you had better be prepared to go to a nice restaurant, so scratch Applebee's off the list. This also means she will most likely need to get her eyebrows waxed every three weeks, her nails done at least once a month, and she very well may have a membership to a local tanning salon. In short - she is high maintenance, and she knows it. Be prepared to open a lot of doors and don't be shocked if a date gets ruined due to a broken nail at some point.
Fun-Loving: As much as you may want to think this means she enjoys ice skating and trips to Disneyland, it really means her idea of a good time involves a small town bar, a karaoke machine, and numerous rounds of stale tap beer. There is also a high probability that she has had the same friends since high school, and they have a strong desire to talk about their high school classmates even though they graduated sometime in the 90s.
Drama-Free: This typically means her last relationship included a lot of screaming and yelling and perhaps at least one visit from the local police after neighbors called in a possible domestic disturbance. She assumes because they broke up that there will be no more drama and she assumes the former boyfriend and/or husband was the problem. Oddly enough she claims three of her four last ex-boyfriends were all responsible for untold amounts of drama, and if you end up dating her you can anticipate a fight that results in her either threatening to kill herself or one in which she is sitting in the driveway blocking your car as she cries her eyes out and tells you how special you are. Run. Don't even think about engaging her in conversation... just run.
Goal Oriented: This typically means she attended a reputable College or University and earned her degree and/or is currently pursuing a degree, and that she has goals. The goals typically include having anywhere from two to four children, driving a Lexus, and marrying someone who either has a trust fund or currently makes at least six-figures. Oh yea... and they also want to travel to Europe and/or vacation in Mexico at least once every other year.
Goal Orientated: See "Goal Oriented" above, and instead of a college degree from a reputable College or University just assume they attended (or possibly graduated from) a local Community College.
Carefree: Chances are she has at least three collection agencies looking for her, and she hasn't been tested for STDs since the Clinton administration. This is the type of women who might be fun to date once or twice because that is about as long as she will remain interested.
Shaped like women should be: There is no nice way of saying this... if a woman brags that she is shaped like women should be, it simply means she is overweight. Worse than that, she won't admit she is overweight and thus she feels society should adapt to her version of "normal" even if it means her BMI is somewhere north of 30. She will try to fit into clothing that is far too small and she will insist on wearing pants that are so tight that she will have a permanent muffin-top spilling out from her waist. She will also be known to exceed the tensile strength on most of the fabrics she wraps around her body and it isn't unheard of for women like this to carry safety pins and duct tape to address various wardrobe malfunctions if and when they do occur. If you do decide to date a woman like this, I'd suggest wearing eye protection anytime she wears something with buttons because a button under pressure is like a ticking time-bomb and can seriously injure someone when it lets go.
Curvy: This can be a couple of different things. In rare instances, this could be a very average sized woman who is not entirely comfortable with her body. In other cases, it could be a thin woman who has had breast implants and who is very proud of them, but in the vast majority of the time it simply means the woman has a very large backside and instead of trying some targeted exercises to tone up, she is more interested in buying bras from Victoria Secret that will push her breasts together with such force that it can create an optical illusion that tricks the viewer into thinking her breasts and behind are in direct proportion to one another. Let there be no doubt, curves on a woman are sexy, but there is a difference between legitimate curves, and the type of woman who waves hello and her arm stops moving six seconds after her hand.
There you have it - just a few tips to let you know what you might come across. There are many others of course, but I can't possible cover every scenario here, but it should give you a good head start. Above all else just remember that when it comes to online dating, people are generally liars, and it is in your best interests to remain skeptical about almost anything that comes out of the mouth of the other person until you have time to verify it for yourself. Online dating profiles are a lot like print ads for fast food places... they look nice and peak your interest, but the real thing is often a disappointment.