Stupid People: The “I Can’t Grasp The Concept Of Volume” Person (Volume 1)

There are countless stupid people out there walking around unsupervised. They come in all shapes and sizes and from all parts of the globe, but one of my favorite examples of human stupidity comes from a job I had back in high school.

I worked for a retail store called ShopKo (think of Target but without the clever marketing campaign or the flashy logo, or think of Walmart without the automatic desire to take a shower when you are done mingling with the other shoppers ), and part of my duties of this job included carry-out for larger items. This typically included ready-to-assemble furniture, televisions, patio furniture, swing sets, or any other item which was probably too large or heavy for one person to carry, or too awkward for fit in a standard size shopping cart.

The basic idea was that I would go to the warehouse area of the store, load the item onto a cart and meet the customer at the checkout counter where they could pay for the item and I could help them load it. For the largest items sometimes this would take two or more employees, and in the case of a children’s swing set we generally would just have the customer pull around to the rear of the store where we would load it for them.

Sometimes when loading a bookshelf or computer desk, the customer would have a full size pickup truck, large SUV or maybe a car with a trailer so it wasn’t an issue. Nevertheless, inevitably in at least three or four times out of ten, we would arrive at the customer’s vehicle only to realize that it was highly unlikely the item would fit in their vehicle. Most of my stories involve hatchback automobiles because for some odd reason when someone drives a hatchback they think basic rules of volume and space don’t apply to them. In the mind of a hatchback owner, if you are determined enough and strong enough, you should be able to wedge a full size refrigerator, snowblower, or even a couch in the back end because after all… that is the benefit of owning a hatchback right?

I witnessed people with small hatchbacks purchasing the largest entertainment centers we had in stock which came in two boxes over six feet tall, three feet wide, and each weighing what had to be around 100lbs. Not only do they lack the interior cargo room to fit such an item in their vehicle, but it never even occurred to them that it might not fit at anytime during the purchase. They didn’t think about it when seeing the fully assembled item on display. They didn’t think about it when seeing the boxed item being wheeled up to the front door, and they surely didn’t think about it when getting to their vehicle and realizing their car isn’t as big as they remembered.

This is the part of the story where the customer would typically do one of three things. They would (A) either call a friend or relative to come pick up the furniture for them, they would (B) return the item for a refund (which meant I got to haul it all the way back into the warehouse), they would (C) suggest taking the item out of the box would allow it to fit (as if a six foot entertainment center is only four feet tall when you take it out of the box) or they would (D) try to convince me that it would fit if I just “loaded it right”.

Guess which option was the most common? If you guessed (D), go ahead and treat yourself to an Oreo.

Now keep in mind arguing with a customer is never a great idea, so in my case I most often chose to simply humor them. If they thought they could fit a few six foot boxes into a Geo Metro who am I to argue with them? So eventually they would figure out ways to flip seats down, remove boxes of junk from the hatchback area, slide the front seats all the way forward, try to convince me it could fit in the back seat (a six foot item generally does not fit across a car with an interior width of five feet), or when worse came to worse try to bribe me to give them some rope so they could tie it on their roof.

It goes without saying that most small cars are not meant to carry much weight on their roofs. Sure a few have roof racks, but aside from a few suitcases or bikes, they really aren’t intended for heavy weight loads, and because of that I would always tell the customer that I would help them get it on the roof, but I could not be held responsible for any damage to their vehicle. I also reminded them they would need to tie the items down and for those without roof racks that could mean going through the windows – which then would mean they not only could not roll the windows up all the way, but they might have to play “Dukes of Hazzard” in order to get in to the driver’s seat.

Keep in mind stupid people rarely think ahead, so telling them about possible roof damage and explaining the need to tie down their cargo served as a trigger which suddenly made them realize it might not be such a great idea.

More times than not however, I managed to get most of the item into the vehicle although the trunk or hatchback would almost never close. This is the part of the story where the customer would ask if we had any bungee cords or rope or string to tie down their trunk or hatchback, and this is the part of the story where I would explain we don’t provide rope or string, but they were more than welcome to revisit the store to purchase a package of bungee cords or some rope (clothesline rope was my personal recommendation).

From time to time someone actually had a strap or cord but had no idea how to use it or they thought fastening it to a license plate frame or wrapping it around a muffler was a good idea, and on other occasions they felt some small twine, string used for a kite, or even fishing line was strong enough. Are you starting to understand why I say people are stupid?

It is probably important to point out that once a customer leaves the parking lot, we didn’t really care what happened to their purchase, so if they dumped it out of the back end a mile down the road, or if their hatchback flew open and everything in their vehicle spewed out on the middle of a highway… I didn’t really care. I might feel a little bad about it, but for the most part I figured stupid people get what they deserve, so I tended to keep my mouth shut.

On more than a few occasions I loaded the item into the vehicle in such a manner than there was no possible way anyone other than a single driver could occupy the car, and in one case I remember a mother telling her kids to go back in the store and she would pick them up on a separate trip. I didn’t ask where she lived, but that might suck for the kids if it was an hour away.

I had to find the humor in the fact that the furniture received top billing while the kids stood on the sidelines. To make matters worse, I’m not sure the kids were old enough to be unsupervised, but apparently she felt ShopKo employees would do a great job of keeping an eye on her kids while she was dealing with her delivery. Again – people are stupid. Not only stupid, but irresponsible as well.

There are numerous other examples that I still have never been able to erase from my long-term memory, so I’ll make a point to document them for future blog posts. I almost have a duty to share such moronic behavior with others so they too can be amazed and/or incredibly disappointed at the intelligence level of the average person.

Stupid People: The “I Don’t Know How To Park Because I’m a Moron” Person

There are days I’m amazed at the collective intelligence of the human race. Examples include when I see how we are able to launch spacecraft into orbit without them crashing back to Earth. Or when I see how we are able to pack what is essentially a powerful computer with limitless possibilities, wireless access to the Internet, a GPS, and a telephone into something no larger than a deck of cards. Or when I realize how medical advancements have resulted in the ability to prevent disease, replace organs and joints, prolong life, treat conditions, and address illnesses that would have meant years of suffering and/or the distinct possibility of lifelong disability or death only a few short decades ago.

Then there are days that I’m left shaking my head wondering how it is possible we have such stupidity in our world. Examples of this include the fact there are at least 50 accidents in my city during the first snowfall of the year which suggests people actually forget how to drive in less than 12 months. Or when I see those idiots from the Westboro Baptist Church preaching hatred and protesting at funerals. Or when people cannot understand how a four-way intersection works even after driving for 40 years. Or when I see people drag their toddlers along to hold a sign for some random politician or to protest an event or an issue with more concern about their cause than the child freezing in the cold or being rained on or getting surburned.

All of those examples aside, one of the most common areas where human stupidity is displayed is in a parking lot which leads us to my first blog post in a series devoted to human stupidity.  Now it goes without saying that everyone is well aware of what the purpose of a parking lot is, what the general rules of parking are, and what actions are required to park a vehicle. However, you cannot possible visit a large retail store on any given day without witnessing at least one of the following:

• A car parked so haphazardly that there is no way possible to occupy the space directly adjacent to it.
• A large vehicle which ignores all conventional understanding and is parked at least five to ten feet away from the front border of that particular parking space which in turn leaves a large portion of the vehicle hanging out in the aisle where people are supposed to be driving.
• A car driving down the opposite direction of a one-way lane totally oblivious to the fact that even if there was an open parking space, their only option to get into the space would be to back in (or ‘reverse in’ if you are British).
• A full size SUV or truck parked in a space clearly marked as “Compact Car Only”.
• A large vehicle with trailer that decides it is best to park perpendicular to the parking outlines thereby taking five or six spaces when they could have just as easily parked near the far end of the lot where they could pull through in line with the painted outlines and only required two spaces.
• A vehicle crossing the parking lot at an angle at no less than 35 or 40mph oblivious to anyone who is actually driving down the center of the aisle as intended.
• A vehicle which decides to invent their own parking space which follows no normal rules of logic to the point you start looking around for Ashton Kutcher to see if you might be witnessing the taping of an episode of “Punk’d”.

…and my personal favorite (which only applies to those of us lucky enough to deal with snow covered parking lots)

• Vehicles trying to guess where the actual parking outlines are, and rather than line up in line with an object like a shopping cart corral, light pole, sign, parking island, or curb… they just randomly park anywhere. This not only reduces parking capacity of the lot by a solid 20%, but the rows of cars will often weave back and forth until they resemble the trail a snake makes as it crosses a sand dune.
  
  In some cases this actually creates rows that are so close together, cars are actually unable to navigate down the middle of the row and instead find themselves needing to back up the entire way creating mini traffic jams that only serve to infuriate those inconvenienced by the stupidity of others.
  
  Just a month or so ago I was at the mall at witnessed this exact event, and the lines were so screwed up that I actually saw a parked car behind a car which was already parked across from another car – essentially boxing in the center car. I was amazed at this – because although I could understand thinking it might have been a legitimate spot (even though the tail end of the third car was easily six feet behind any other car in that row), you might have thought when the person got out of their car and realized there were two cars in front of it and that they had just boxed someone in they might have had the intelligence to move to another spot, but sadly… no.

This whole parking situation bothers me on a personal level because I simply cannot understand how someone who pulls into a lot and has been parking in lots for years cannot actually park a vehicle without a visible yellow line telling them where to park. This would be like going to a movie and sitting on the floor in an aisle because there was nobody there to tell them which seat to occupy. That isn’t only stupid – that is bang your head on a hard surface kind of stupid.

Thus, being from South Dakota and dealing with snow covered lots for several months a year, I get to deal with these idiots on a regular basis. You have the moron who parked seven feet away from the car next to them thinking that was a typical spacing method, which then forces every other car in line to adapt and when the original car leaves you are left with random spaces that aren’t quite large enough for two cars, but far too large for one. These are mixed with other spaces that would only be suitable for a motorcycle or 1982 Chevy Chevette with the exterior mirrors removed, and of course you need to add the people who are unable to judge whether they are even remotely parallel to the vehicle next to them.

Now granted several of the items in my list above may be considered rude more than just stupid, but I’ve witnessed all of the above often enough to know that most people just don’t know they are being morons. Rude people might purposefully park diagonally across two lines to prevent door dings, or park in a fire lane because they think they are special, or leave their shopping cart in the empty space next to them because they just can’t take the ten seconds required to return it to the shopping cart corral, but the difference is rude people know they are being rude and they just don’t care. Stupid people don’t even realize when they are being stupid, and because they are generally surrounded by so many other stupid people, then tend to think their behavior is normal and acceptable.

Maybe it is true you can't fix stupid... but can we at least tag them like cattle to warn others?

Judging the Book by the Cover

It is often said that you can’t judge a book by its cover, however I respectfully disagree. If that were true, then publishers wouldn’t spend millions of dollars each year designing and printing colorful covers, not to mention it would be impossible to have a “beautiful book” contest.

When you really think about it, it is actually very easy to judge books by their covers, because the title and author of the book is right there in print. Thus if I see a book by Nicholas Sparks, I can (with a certain amount of certainty) believe the book will be a love story that has a very high chance of probability of being turned into a major motion picture.

Likewise if I see a “Dummies” book, I can probably guess the subject matter will be simplified to the point that a person of average intellect can easily understand the context, and if I see a book with a picture of a shirtless man riding a horse bareback with a long haired beautiful woman grasping him from behind… it is almost guaranteed to be a cheesy romance novel.

All of that said, I realize the reason people say you can’t judge a book by its cover is because it is an analogy for other situations. In many cases it is said in reference to people and how someone might look a certain way but their personality may not match. Here too I find fault with the concept as in many cases it seems rather easy to judge people based upon outside appearances.

Case in point, if I see a 375lb man walking in Walmart, I can easily state that his caloric intake is way too high. If I see a teenage girl who has orange skin, I can determine she spends far too much time in a tanning salon and/or misunderstood the instructions on her bottle of self-tanner, and if I see a grown man protesting a military funeral with a sign reading “God Loves Dead Soldiers” in one hand and a sign reading “God Hates Fags” in the other hand I can unequivocally state that he is a heartless, ignorant, hate-filled fool who has misinterpreted the entire meaning of Christianity, and I can even ascertain he is from Kansas and a member of the Westboro Baptist Church.

See – it really is possible to judge a book by its cover after all.

The Event

I was reading an article a few days ago about how the Super Bowl has become so much of an event, that the drama and production and all-around hoopla that surrounds it has actually overshadowed the game itself. I’m not a huge sports fan myself so I thought it was just me who in years past found myself more interested in the commercials than the actual game, but it seems I’m not the only one.

In fact, the Monday morning after the big game it seemed my fellow employees were much more interested in discussing which commercial they thought was best (the kid in the Darth Vader costume starting the Volkswagen with his ‘force’ powers seemed to be a big hit) along with how they enjoyed the half-time show or how they were shocked to see Slash rise up out of the stage to join the Black Eyed Peas on a rendition of the Guns N’ Roses hit Sweet Child O’ Mine.

Through all of that, the actual discussion of the game encompassed all of about three minutes. There were some comments about how it was closer than it should have been and a few comments about specific plays etc, but the discussion about the non-game events of the Super Bowl were far more abundant which is amazing considering I sit near three or four people who are very interested in sports including one who is a referee and another who is a coach.
This all got me thinking… is it really just the Super Bowl that suffers from this overshadowing issue? I don’t think that is the case and I actually think that our society has become so obsessed with the glitz and glamour of our big (and even not-so-big) events these days that we don’t have much time to actually pay attention to the core event itself.

Case in point, I can’t tell you a single one of the teams who made the finals or semifinals in this year’s World Cup, but I can tell you that the number one subject of conversation surrounding the World Cup itself wasn’t the game, but rather the usage (and perhaps abuse) of those rather annoying vuvuzelas. This actually may have something to do with the fact that I’m an American and thus by default I don’t really care about the game of Soccer or FIFA, but I can’t say for sure.

Truth be told I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that 97.6% of the American public thinks FIFA is an Italian automobile manufacturer, because that would almost make more sense to me. I'm not even sure what FIFA stands for and the only athlete in the sport that I could cite by memory is David Beckham... but that has more to do with his frequent appearances on the cover of supermarket tabloids and his marriage to a former Spice Girl.

All of that aside, even months after the World Cup itself if someone decides to talk about the event I can almost guarantee it has something to do with events outside of the actual games whether it be the actions of a star player off the field, or how a sanctioning body for some other major sport has decided to ban vuvuzelas from the stadiums.

This phenomenon isn’t just related to sports either. Just look at any major awards show on television from the Grammys to the Oscars to the MTV Movie awards… rarely do we remember who was nominated for an award or who even won, but we will probably remember if someone had a “wardrobe malfunction” or if someone decided to walk the red carpet wearing something that resembles a neon trash bag covered in rhinestones, or if someone bungled a speech or tripped on their way to the podium. We will also hear about the events that transpire backstage and read reports of what celebrity was offended that they didn’t win or who showed up to an after-show party and what they had to drink or who they were holding hands with.

So what is it with our society that is so infatuated with the whole experience rather than simply the main event? I can’t even fathom what it would be like to listen to a President give a State of the Union speech without someone analyzing how many times he was interrupted by applause or commenting upon the response given by the opposing political party. I can’t imagine attending a local sporting event without seeing the game actually interrupted long enough to toss t-shirts into the crowd or for the cheerleaders to do a little dance, or allowing at least one AC/DC song on the PA system to set the tone for the game itself.

Of course when you look around and notice half the people at any given event are staring at their smartphones or making a trip to the concession stand or engaging in idle chit chat with those around them it starts to become obvious that the “event” is almost a distraction. Perhaps it is to the point where we can no longer be satisfied at focusing our attention on one thing. Maybe we are so used to being tied to technology or being bombarded with information and technology that actually sitting back to relax and enjoy an event simply for the event just won’t do.

That may explain why I notice a lot of people have laptops or tablets near them even while watching television or why people feel the need to have a GPS activated in their vehicle even while making their daily commute to work which they have done hundreds of times before. To some degree it might indicate progress, but I’m not so sure it isn’t actually more reflective of a downward trend that leads to a point where people lose the ability to focus on what is really important or even worse – the ability to focus on anything at all.

Much like many of us require bifocals as we age so that we can see clearly at more than one distance, perhaps we (as a society) are evolving to require more than one stimulus at any given point in order to protect our brains from atrophy. Thus, before someone else suggests the phrase I’m going to profess that I am the first to label this condition as “Witnessed Observable Requisite Multi-Stimuli” or ‘WORMS’. That should be really interesting when someone has to tell some friends that their kid was diagnosed with a bad case of WORMS.

I have no idea if the acronym WORMS is already a trademark… but if not I call dibbs, and we all know calling dibbs is as good as any legal agreement known right?

Dentists and Oreos

Anyone that takes care of their teeth will soon realize a semi-annual trip to the dentist is well worth the trouble.  Just like automobiles, our teeth will last longer and stay in better shape with a little preventative maintenance.

If you wait until your car is smoking and overheated before taking it in for service chances are it is going to cost you a lot more in the end.  Much in the same way if you wait to go to the dentist only after you have a sore tooth or are in extreme pain, it stands to reason not only is it going to cost more and be more painful, but you very well may end up losing some of your teeth in the process.

Therefore, for the vast majority of my life I have visited the dentist twice per year whether I felt I needed it or not.  There was a period in my early 20s where I skipped a few years, but I soon realized what a mistake that was after having to play catch-up for a few years which included numerous cavities being filled, as well as a root canal complete with crown.  After that lesson learned, I now attend my dental appointments religiously* and haven't missed one in years.  

* Perhaps "religiously" isn't an accurate descriptor since I'm unaware of any religion which only requires two visits a year, but I digress.

So what is the point of all this besides me rambling on about a random subject?  Well, my point is it seems like there is a routine to all of my dentist appointments.  First, I go to the dentist and they determine if we need any x-rays this time around.  If so we get those taken care of right away, but if not they skip ahead and clean my teeth, check for any cavities (which I haven't had in well over a decade), hand me a few samples of toothpaste or a new toothbrush, and that's that.  I schedule an appointment for six months down the road, and I head out the door feeling relieved that I somehow managed to dodge the cavity bullet one more time.

However, inevitably somewhere before or after the cleaning my dental hygienist will ask me if I have been flossing.  I'm smart enough to know they can probably tell, so I don't bother to lie about it and always admit that no... I don't floss.  I typically get complimented on my brushing and am always told I have nice teeth (from the perspective of a dentist or hygienist at least) but they will usually tell me that I need to floss in order to get all of the plaque from between the teeth, yadda, yadda, yadda.  The lecture doesn't last long primarily because they probably give the same speech 15 times a day and know it likely won't do any good, but I listen anyway as the hygienist hands me a package of floss as if my lack of flossing was simply due to a matter of supply and demand.

This probably explains why I have six or eight packages of floss at home - because they give me a new one every six months and I can't seem to use them up as fast as they restock my supply.  So typically after each dentist appointment I decide now is the time I'm going to start flossing.  The next evening I bust out the floss and go between each and every tooth to the best of my ability.  The day after that I floss again, but maybe with a little less vigor and taking a little less time to do a perfect job.  A day after that and I'm down to speed flossing.

Soon enough - less than a week after my dental cleaning, I stop flossing altogether.  I know I should, but it just seems like such a hassle.  I brush my teeth so flossing just seems like it should be "extra".  As the months pass, flossing isn't even considered nor do I feel any guilt about skipping it, but next thing you know I flip the page on a calendar and there I see it... the date of my next dentist appointment.

Drat.  I know I've been slacking, and now I've got less than two weeks before I see the dentist again.  So obviously now is the time to start flossing with the hopes I can make up for the last six months in a matter of 10-14 days.  Then, the night before the big appointment I go all out.  I brush my teeth for longer than I typically would ensuring I cover each and ever side of each tooth as best as I can.  I floss with regular floss and then make a second pass with a floss pick to ensure I didn't miss anything.  I'll even go a step further and rinse with some mouthwash to get any remaining "stuff" out of my mouth and send it down the drain.

This all got me thinking one day.  Why do we always prepare for the dentist as if we are cramming for a mid-term Biology Exam?  Do we really think one or two good brushings and a few days of flossing is going to make up for six months of neglect?  Do we honestly think the hygienist won't notice that we haven't been doing as much as we should be to take care of our teeth?

When you really think about it, why should we try to impress our dentists and hygienists?  They charge the same amount for a cleaning whether my teeth are clean or if they haven't been brushed for three years, so maybe I should make them work for it a little.

So how about instead of preparing for my cleaning as if I was heading out to a Senior Prom, I decide to get my money's worth out of them by eating a mixture of peanuts, caramel, and Oreos 15 minutes before my actual cleaning?  Its sort of like driving your car through a gigantic puddle right before you take it to the car wash - it isn't going to help anything, but it surely makes the before and after a whole lot more impressive.

Is that wrong?