Online Dating Feature Translator

Note:  This post includes sarcasm and humor.  If you don't have a sense of humor, can't laugh at the world around you, and/or you are easily offended... you might want to avoid reading it.  On the other hand if you don't take everything quite so seriously then by all means read on.

I've had a bit of experience in the online dating world, and I've learned a few things along the way.  The most obvious thing I have learned is that people are less than honest about how they represent themselves in their dating profiles, and with a bit of knowledge you can do a much better job of interpreting what some of these key terms actually mean.

Bubbly Personality:  If you read a profile that indicates the person has a "bubbly personality" it probably means they won't stop talking for more than 20 seconds at a time - even while eating a meal.  These are the types of people who feel that the number of words coming out of their mouth is actually more important than the words themselves.  In short this is like dating someone who acts like they have drank six cups of coffee and slammed two Red Bulls within the last 30 minutes.  Much like alcohol and fast food, these are the types of people who are best in moderation.

Athletic:  This is a tough one.  This can often mean that a woman is referring to her build rather than the type of activities she is interested in.  In many cases it means they like to shoot pool or play darts, and they have been known to go bowling, but in other times it simply means they are stocky and look like a softball player... even though they don't play softball.  What it does not mean is that they are the type who works out five days a week and has a washboard stomach nor does it mean she is known to wear sports bras and go for a nightly run.  Keep dreaming.

Enjoy being treated like a lady:  This simply means she has no intention of paying for any dates, and you had better be prepared to go to a nice restaurant, so scratch Applebee's off the list.  This also means she will most likely need to get her eyebrows waxed every three weeks, her nails done at least once a month, and she very well may have a membership to a local tanning salon.  In short - she is high maintenance, and she knows it.  Be prepared to open a lot of doors and don't be shocked if a date gets ruined due to a broken nail at some point.

Fun-Loving: As much as you may want to think this means she enjoys ice skating and trips to Disneyland, it really means her idea of a good time involves a small town bar, a karaoke machine, and numerous rounds of stale tap beer.  There is also a high probability that she has had the same friends since high school, and they have a strong desire to talk about their high school classmates even though they graduated sometime in the 90s.

Drama-Free:  This typically means her last relationship included a lot of screaming and yelling and perhaps at least one visit from the local police after neighbors called in a possible domestic disturbance.  She assumes because they broke up that there will be no more drama and she assumes the former boyfriend and/or husband was the problem.  Oddly enough she claims three of her four last ex-boyfriends were all responsible for untold amounts of drama, and if you end up dating her you can anticipate a fight that results in her either threatening to kill herself or one in which she is sitting in the driveway blocking your car as she cries her eyes out and tells you how special you are.  Run.  Don't even think about engaging her in conversation... just run.

Goal Oriented:  This typically means she attended a reputable College or University and earned her degree and/or is currently pursuing a degree, and that she has goals.  The goals typically include having anywhere from two to four children, driving a Lexus, and marrying someone who either has a trust fund or currently makes at least six-figures.  Oh yea... and they also want to travel to Europe and/or vacation in Mexico at least once every other year.

Goal Orientated:  See "Goal Oriented" above, and instead of a college degree from a reputable College or University just assume they attended (or possibly graduated from) a local Community College.

Carefree:  Chances are she has at least three collection agencies looking for her, and she hasn't been tested for STDs since the Clinton administration.  This is the type of women who might be fun to date once or twice because that is about as long as she will remain interested.

Shaped like women should be:  There is no nice way of saying this... if a woman brags that she is shaped like women should be, it simply means she is overweight.  Worse than that, she won't admit she is overweight and thus she feels society should adapt to her version of "normal" even if it means her BMI is somewhere north of 30.  She will try to fit into clothing that is far too small and she will insist on wearing pants that are so tight that she will have a permanent muffin-top spilling out from her waist.  She will also be known to exceed the tensile strength on most of the fabrics she wraps around her body and it isn't unheard of for women like this to carry safety pins and duct tape to address various wardrobe malfunctions if and when they do occur.  If you do decide to date a woman like this, I'd suggest wearing eye protection anytime she wears something with buttons because a button under pressure is like a ticking time-bomb and can seriously injure someone when it lets go.

Curvy:  This can be a couple of different things.  In rare instances, this could be a very average sized woman who is not entirely comfortable with her body.  In other cases, it could be a thin woman who has had breast implants and who is very proud of them, but in the vast majority of the time it simply means the woman has a very large backside and instead of trying some targeted exercises to tone up, she is more interested in buying bras from Victoria Secret that will push her breasts together with such force that it can create an optical illusion that tricks the viewer into thinking her breasts and behind are in direct proportion to one another.  Let there be no doubt, curves on a woman are sexy, but there is a difference between legitimate curves, and the type of woman who waves hello and her arm stops moving six seconds after her hand.

There you have it - just a few tips to let you know what you might come across.  There are many others of course, but I can't possible cover every scenario here, but it should give you a good head start.  Above all else just remember that when it comes to online dating, people are generally liars, and it is in your best interests to remain skeptical about almost anything that comes out of the mouth of the other person until you have time to verify it for yourself.  Online dating profiles are a lot like print ads for fast food places... they look nice and peak your interest, but the real thing is often a disappointment.

My Thoughts On: Dog Breed Bans

Q:  What is the most common phrase uttered by a neighbor when they find out the guy who has lived next door to them turns out to be a serial killer? 

A:  "He was always so quiet and he kept to himself"

Q:  What is the most common phrase uttered by a dog owner after their dog ends up biting, mauling, injuring, or even killing someone? 

A:  "He was always so kind and gentle and great with children"

Sometimes things aren't always as they seem, and idiotic platitudes don't really change the facts.  Like it or not, some dogs are capable of doing much more damage than others. Temperament might have something to do with it, but when a small dog bites someone, chances are the damage can be addressed with a band-aid rather than a trip to the ER.  Due to the jaw structure and power of some larger breeds, they can easily result in massive injuries or even deaths.

Check the statistics surrounding dog bite fatalities, and you will soon find that Pit Bulls (and their associated mixes) as well as Rottweilers are responsible for a vast majority of the deaths. This isn't opinion, but rather it is supported by hard evidence, including several studies on the subject as well as government data.

Since numbers without context are meaningless, lets ask ourselves if we find it feasible that these same breeds make up the vast majority of dogs in the US? I think most people would agree that isn't the case... in fact per AKC registrations, where Labrador Retrievers are consistently the most popular dog, and Bull Terriers come in somewhere south of 50th most popular, these statistics SHOULD alarm everyone. What we should see is Labrador Retrievers being responsible for the most dog bites simply due to statistical averages. However that isn't the case, and when speaking of significant injuries and/or deaths the numbers are even further skewed.

The facts are that certain breeds of dogs have a higher propensity to maul, injure, and kill. We can blame this on humans for a lack of training, we can blame it on the breed, or we can blame it on specific dogs, but the facts are the facts. If you read the actual reports from many of these dog bite fatalities, you will find that in many cases the owners had never witnessed any hostility from the dogs in the past, and at one point the dog(s) just snapped. I dare say no matter how well trained they are, almost any dog can still revert to their instincts in some situations, and in some cases those instincts can result in significant injury.

When you boil it down and remove the emotion to simply look at the statistics and the facts, you soon realize that it is an indisputable fact that Pit Bulls and Rottweilers are dangerous when compared to other breeds. That isn't to say other dog breeds are never dangerous, or that other dog breeds aren't responsible for injuries or deaths, or that certain Pit Bulls and Rottweilers aren't the gentle and peaceful dogs that so many owners claim they are... it is just a fact that as a whole, these dogs are more dangerous.

It is like comparing a modern Volkswagen with 10 airbags, ABS, stability control, crumble zones, and active head restraints to a 1950s Volkswagen with no seat belts, no crumple zones, no airbags, and doors that were less than three inches thick. One of these is clearly more dangerous than the other, but it may never be obvious until it is too late.

Now I should note that I am not sure breed bans actually work, thus I'm not sure they are the answer.  Some people who are very much opposed to such breed bans are quick to point out that some people will go out of their way to get a dog that is banned because they think it makes them part of some secret club.  I imagine these types of people are also the type of people who like to carry around concealed, unregistered firearms and who do whatever they can to show others that they don't follow the commonly accepted rules that society has instilled upon itself.  

The reality is there is always going to be a certain type of person who is attracted to Pit Bull type dogs because they want to have that "wow" factor and they want to be seen as a rule breaker.  Just walk though the more "colorful" parts of any city and you are bound to see countless examples of how certain types of people attract certain types of pets.  Everyone knows areas like this - these are the areas where you find people with a tattoo to limb ratio above 3:1, and people standing around the street corners wearing their flat brimmed hats over their ears. When these people are out walking their dogs what breeds do you think are most common? I'll give you a hit... it isn't a Yorkie or a Chihuahua.

So yes some people might help contribute to certain breeds having a bad reputation, but when a dog is bred to do certain things, those traits can come to the surface even if they aren't desired, and characteristics that were bred into a dog over the course of hundreds of years don't just disappear in a few generations.  For many of these dogs, a certain aggressiveness is their nature, and I hope many of the same people telling us how sweet and innocent and kind their Pit Bulls are never have to experience an event that would make them change those opinions.

Perhaps we should simply mandate anyone who wants to have one of these dogs registered within city limits needs to be bonded for any potential damage it may cause. The size of the bond needs to be tied to the risk factor... which shouldn't be too hard to obtain since insurance companies already have a pretty good idea of which breeds are more likely to result in their claim payouts being higher (and oddly enough some insurance companies won't offer homeowners insurance to a person who owns a Pit Bull type dog). If someone is found to not have their dog licensed or bonded, then that dog needs to be confiscated from them and they need to be fined at a level which would prevent them from ever doing it again ($500 to $1000).

Finally, I'm not the type of suggest we euthanize any dog which has not shown aggression, but if and when a dog does bite or maul someone it should be put down no questions asked, and again the owner should be held responsible via fines (and likely a nice civil court case from the victim or victims).

Clearly there are other ways to address the concerns with certain dog breeds other than breed specific bans, since people find clever ways of getting around such bans in the first place.  The fact is, unless a city is going to perform DNA checks on dogs, it is difficult to prove that a dog is primarily a banned breed rather than a mix with only a small portion of that specific breed.  However, I dare say that as long as people remain ignorant to the facts surrounding dog bites and the breeds most involved, and as long as people continue to make claims about how these very same breeds are gentle and loving and would never harm a fly... well then we will continue to see articles in the paper and reports on television of people being maimed and even killed by these same breeds time and time again.

Why I Hate Audiophiles

I've been a "techie" type of person for many years, and I've taken an interest in audio equipment since I was perhaps as young as seven or eight years old.  My father had an old Fisher receiver that I used to play with and at the time I thought it was amazing.  I can still feel the mass of the tuning dial in my hand as I could flick it and watch the dial swing across the AM/FM spectrum from side to side.  I would even make a game of it to see if I could  get the needle from one end to the other in one spin... which was difficult but not impossible.

My father's "hi-fi" system also included an old cassette deck and even an 8-track player that I fondly remember using from time to time. I don't recall the brand name of the speakers (I'm thinking perhaps RCA) but they were the large cabinet type that provided a lot of noise when asked although I'm sure they produced just as much distortion as they did music.

When I was a bit older, for Christmas one year I was given a small tabletop stereo of my own. It had dual tape decks AND a turntable, so clearly I thought I had something. The speakers were those small cabinets connected by what appeared to be paltry 24ga wire, but at the time I thought they were pretty amazing. I played all types of records on that system and I made more than my fair share of mix tapes from the radio as I listened to American Top 40 with Casey Kasem.

Eventually my interest in audio led me to expand and improve upon what I had. In college I upgraded to what I thought was high end audio equipment at the time - or at least high end in my particular budget range. That setup included a Sony receiver that had surround sound, a Sony CD changer, and a set of Bose 201 speakers. They weren't necessarily bad components, but knowing what I know now there are much better options for the price. I do still have the Bose speakers and they are still capable of producing a good sound although I am the first to admit Bose is a lot better at marketing then they are at producing audio equipment.

My current receiver is an Onkyo which is paired to an Onkyo disc changer. I'm well aware this is nowhere nearly "high end" audio, but it is capable of producing clean sound and it didn't require me to take out a second mortgage to purchase it. I've used a number of different speakers over the years, but I'm the first to admit even when looking directly at the nameplates on the speakers my ears are hard pressed to discern a difference between a $500 set of Klipsch towers and a $3,000 set of Definitive Technology towers.

Throughout the years I've stayed fairly well informed as to the new technologies and I've paid attention to what works versus what people think works. I've read magazines and comparison tests, and in the past I've subscribed to magazines devoted to audio equipment (I recall a subscription to Stereo Review back in high school which was always one of my favorites although it has since been renamed to Sound and Vision).

I won't claim to be an audio snob, but I have been known to research what type of power supplies are found in various receivers and I've taken the time to research the various THD (Total Harmonic Distortion) levels of amplifiers. I'm not an electrical or audio engineer by any means, but I do have experience in electronics and at one point I was a Certified Electronics Technician and a Certified Broadcast Technologist, so I like to think I have a pretty good understanding of the science behind audio equipment and electronics.

This is probably why even to this day I simply cannot stand when a self-proclaimed audiophile brags about his (and they are almost always men in my experience) ultra high end audio equipment. These are the types of people who brag about their McIntosh tube amplifiers without having any recognition of the fact that the tubes in these amplifiers are notoriously noisy and require a lot of circuitry required to clean up their signals. Even with that said the THD level of a high-end $5,000 McIntosh tube amp might be in the range of 0.50% with a signal to noise ratio (SNR) of 100dB. Compare that to a off-the-shelf receiver from Denon, Onkyo, or Yamaha and you are likely to find a THD level of something like 0.08% and a SNR of 106dB.

This is the part where I need to try and explain what THD and SNR are and how they relate. Obviously anyone who cares can read detailed descriptions elsewhere on the Internet, but I'll keep it simple by simply saying these are two of the most often cited specifications provided for audio equipment. THD is simply a way to measure how much harmonic distortion exists in a particular device. A lower THD is better, and the lower the value, the better that device is at reproducing the original signal. So this tells us that the THD of a cheap receiver purchased at Best Buy or Radio Shack is much better at reproducing the original input signal than a "high end" luxury tube amplifier which costs thousands of dollars more.

SNR is, as the name implies, a measurement of the difference between the original signal, and the noise added by the power supply and circuitry of the device. In this case a higher number is better. It may not appear a difference of 100dB and 106dB is significant, but because dB is measured on a logarithmic scale, this is actually much bigger of a difference than it may appear. I don't want to get boiled down in the technical aspects since this bores most people to tears, but the bottom line is as far as audio quality goes and in terms of how faithfully a musical recording can be reproduced, a modern and inexpensive amplifier will almost always outperform a much more expensive tube amplifier that many audiophiles seem to worship.

There is a reason that tube amplifiers cannot pass the testing process to become THX Certified even though a $400 receiver from Pioneer or Onkyo can, and it all boils down to faithful rendition of sound. If these audiophiles would simply admit they prefer tube amps because they like the faint glow of the tubes and they think they are "pretty" I might cut them some slack... but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

The next component that annoys me greatly is the turntable. I like listening to records as much as the next person, but the reason why I like records is due to nostalgia... not because they are a faithful rendition of the original recording. The fact is, audiophiles often claim records "sound better" and that they create a "warmer" sound, but they are actually listening to the scratches, pops, and crackles created by the needle running over the grooves in the record itself - none of which would exist in a live musical performance or in a studio recording. There is a reason why modern sound stages and recording studios are all digital and why they don't burn things directly to a record these days, and it all has to do with how faithful the recording can be to the original performance.

The fact is, an uncompressed digital format such as a CD will always outperform something like a vinyl record when it comes to the faithfulness of the original sound when compared to the recording. The same is true for analog formats such as a cassette tape or reel to reel tape. That isn't to say some people won't prefer the sound from a tape or from a vinyl record, but if they are interested in reproducing the most faithful sound possible... a record or any other analog source simply will not do.

Audiophiles are also the same people who will spend thousands of dollars on connecting cables from brand names most people have never heard of. Many technical people will openly mock people for spending money on Monster Cable or other more expensive name brands because these people understand in the digital era, connecting cables are not nearly as vital as they once were... yet to an audiophile, even something as overpriced as a Monster Cable connecting cable would never suffice. These are the types of people who will spend $2,800 for a single pair of connection cables, or $5,300 for a set of six foot speaker cables.

To make matters worse, these people will actually replace the receptacles in their houses with what they consider "audio grade" and/or "hospital grade" receptacles ranging in price from $30 up to over $150. That is $150 for a cryogenically treated audio grade receptacle with rhodium plating (because gold or silver would just be too mainstream I imagine). 

The amazing thing here is that some snakeoil salesman not only convinced these people that they needed these high-end receptacles, but they turned the dial up to 11 and convinced the idiots that they needed high end power cables to plug in to their high end receptacles.  Did I mention that these power cables can range from several hundred dollars to almost $7,000?  Yes you read that correctly... audiophiles have been convinced that spending $6,900 for a power cable will improve the sound quality flowing out of their speakers.

Yes seriously. I'm not making this up... I'm just not cynical enough to fabricate a story like this.

Spending thousands of dollars on cables which perform no better and produce a sound no different than those which can cost less than $10 is bad enough, but these self-proclaimed experts will go so far as to claim they can actually hear the difference. The problem is, aside from the fact they are willfully displaying their ignorance as to how traditional AC power works, they aren't able to hear any differences when subjected to double-blind testing. Whether the testing is done by people involved in the audio equipment industry, or done in magazines such as Stereo Review in the 1980s, or even tests where name brand speaker wire was compared to ordinary disposable wire coat hangers, it seems even the most ardent supporter of this woo is unable to support their beliefs (and their own ears) with hard, replicable data.

In fact, notorious skeptic James Randi went so far as to offer $1 million to an audiophile if he could prove that a pair of $7,250 speaker cables sounded any better than a pair of off-the-shelf cables from Monster cable that cost around $80. However when push came to shove, even the company that sells the $7,250 speaker cables wasn't willing to put their reputation on the line, so they backed out from the challenge. It seems there just aren't any audiophiles willing to put their reputations on the line in order to support the very claims they make on a daily basis.

This is why I hate audiophiles - because they cannot support their beliefs with any type of legitimate data or science. It is almost as if they are begging to be openly mocked and yet they don't care, because they assume if they have tens of thousands of dollars worth of audio equipment then their ears must be able to tell the difference as if having a bigger bank account somehow suggests your ears are more sensitive than the average person.

There are so many flaws in their logic I'm not even sure where to begin, but I wonder if these people ever stop to realize that their high end $150 receptacles are connected to the rest of their household wiring with the same traditional unshielded copper wire everyone else uses. This wire runs back to a breaker panel and through a meter which is fed power from the same source as everyone else, through the same transformers, the same substations, and from the same grid. Do they really feel a silver plated or gold plated or rhodium plated electrical receptacle is going to improve the sound quality? What is next... sucking the oxygen out of the air and replacing it with helium to allow the sound waves a cleaner path from the speaker to the listener's ear? Granted the listener will be forced to wear an oxygen mask when they want to listen to music... but hey - anything to get the cleanest sound possible right?

When it comes to speakers, things get even worse. It is not unheard of for an audiophile to have speakers that weigh hundreds of pounds each and which measure over seven feet in height. These speakers are often hand built with exotic materials like rare hardwoods and carbon fiber, and they can cost more than $50,000 for a single pair.

I'm not naive here and I do admit there can and is a difference between a cheap speaker and an expensive speaker, however there comes a point of diminishing returns. I'll go on record and openly state I'm convinced if you take a quality set of speakers priced in the range of $2,000 and you perform blind testing against a set of speakers costing ten times as much, that most people (audiophiles included) will not be able to state which is the more expensive set of speakers with any consistency.

In fact, I recall years ago reading an article about a blind test that involved several sets of speakers behind an acoustically transparent curtain. A sample of music was played using each set of speakers in random order enough times to eliminate selection biases. In the end, a set of inexpensive speakers was selected as being the "best" although none of the speakers in the test was statistically superior to the remainder. So in essence, when the supposed experts can't see what they are listening to, and when they no longer see the expensive name brand cables or the dim glow of a tube amplifier or the movement of a turntable these minor nuances they claim to be able to hear seem to disappear. I find the irony that audiophiles who are often seen listening to music with their eyes closed seem to rely so heavily upon their vision when they are performing comparison tests.

The entire concept reminds me of a professor who acts smart and seems to know so much about the material, but at the end of the semester you realize the only reason they knew more than you was because they had the book with all the answers printed in it. Take away the book and the notes you are left with nothing more than a nice tweed jacket and a laser pointer.

Now I realize it probably seems a bit harsh to say I hate audiophiles. I should clarify I don't actually hate the people, but rather I hate their (lack of) logic, their reasoning, their biases, and their tactics. In truth I probably hate the companies and snakeoil salesman who fool audiophiles into believing that they need a $7,000 power cable or a $150 audio grade receptacle much more than I hate the audiophiles themselves, however for the sake of simplicity I'm focusing on the audiophiles since they seem to be so vocal about their superiority.

Part of the reason I feel this way is because of how audiophiles can be presented with evidence proving their equipment is simply overpriced, and yet they make claims about how they can tell a difference. As mentioned previously we know they can't prove it, but that doesn't wipe the smug looks off of their faces nor does it remove the undertones of superiority from their voices.

Take for instance Michael Fremer who just happens to be senior contributing editor at Stereophile magazine along with contributing to a number of other audio publications. Needless to say he is heavily involved in the audiophile community and could perhaps be one of the most influential or well-known audiophiles on the planet. Fremer has hundreds of thousand of dollars worth of audio equipment in his listening room and he will even make claims that he can tell the difference between a $2,600 power cable and a $4,000 power cable claiming the more expensive cable produces a "warmer, fuller sound".

In some cases, audiophiles like Fremer will even go so far as to make excuses for the hisses and pops coming from their tube amplifiers and turntables as if to suggest they don't matter. Really? The very same people who will spend tens of thousands, or perhaps even hundreds of thousands of dollars on audio equipment and cables and even little pucks to prevent their precious turntables from having to sit on a hard surface claim it doesn't matter? If these annoyances don't matter... then what does matter? If the sound itself isn't a priority, and if the faithfulness of the sound is secondary, then what is the point? Frankly aside from talking around the issue with fancy words and cliched phrases I'm not sure most audiophiles have any idea.

In Fremer's case, I have to admit the man annoys me a bit because I've seen pictures of his actual listening room and it boggles my mind how someone can claim to care about sound quality when he has a room full of junk surrounding him.  He has stacks of records leaned up against the walls and on the floor.  He has pictures hanging on the wall that are covered in sound-reflecting glass.  He has hard surface walls and furniture and stacks of equipment with wires running every which way. Does this sound like a place someone could detect minor subtleties in an audio track? Not likely.

If someone was really concerned with the ultimate listening room, I have to imagine it would start with covering the walls and ceiling with sound absorbing materials. The equipment and hard surface objects other than the speakers themselves would be isolated in a closet or another room, and obviously there would not be shelving unit after shelving unit of vinyl records sitting along the walls. This is why recording studios isolate the booth from the actual room where the music is being played and why they take so much time to soundproof the rooms as much as possible.

Better yet, if the ultimate audio clarity is really what they are after, a quality set of headphones will outperform practically every set of speakers known to man. Headphones all but eliminate reflected sound and outside interference, and you don't need a padded room to be able to get the best possible sound. Aside from John Cusack's character in High Fidelity, I can't say as I've seen many audiophiles sitting alone in their listening rooms or dens with a set of headphones atop their heads.

The fact is, in the real world people don't really have rooms with ideal acoustics. In the real world most music is listened to in a room with windows and doors and hard walls and furniture where acoustics are an afterthought. Most home audio systems - even those owned and operated by audiophiles - reside in less than acoustically ideal rooms. Speaker wires are often laid next to or routed on top of power wires which could create inductive coupling (electromagnetic interference) and a slight buzz or hum, HVAC systems blow air through ductwork, and dust finds its way onto vinyl records.

Yet to an audiophile, they likely will ignore the rushing sound of conditioned air or the fact that their patch cables are incapable of transmitting a signal with as much accuracy as a $5 optical cable purchased from Amazon or Monoprice... not because they haven't thought about it, but because they simply don't appear to care. The excess noises produced by a record needle are just part of the experience apparently. As Michael Fremer says, "It's like when you go to the symphony, and the old men are coughing—same thing". For an audiophile to use this logic is probably what tends to frustrate me, because it is almost as if they don't even try to hide the flaws in their reasoning.

Another aspect of audiophiles that tends to annoy me is the way they speak when talking about sound. They use phrases like "a dimensional and rich presentation" or a "euphonic sound experience". They speak about the color of music and the flavor of the sound. They talk about a sense of openness or space and how dark or bright the sound is and they make comments about the dynamic envelope, the ambience, or the subtlety of the tones. It seems they try to rely heavily upon personification as if the sound can reach out and touch someone or that it embraces the listener.

Even worse they rely so heavily upon cliches such as "jaw-dropping" and "tonal texture" that you can swap out the product names in most of the equipment reviews and nobody would notice. The entire concept reminds me of a hipster who turns a simple three line Haiku into a 40 minute discussion about what the poet was thinking when they chose to use the word "crimson" as opposed to just saying "red".

Try as they might, all the fancy wordsmithing and pretentiousness used by these audiophiles doesn't change the fact that the man behind the curtain is far from a real wizard... and in this case the wizard not only refuses to admit he has been outed, but he claims removing his curtain doesn't really matter in the first place.

Used Car Feature Translator

If you have ever shopped for a used car, you know there is a lot of wordsmithing that goes on for the advertisements.  I've purchased more than my fair share of cars in my day, and I've spent countless hours browsing for cars, speaking to salespeople, driving through car lots, and researching cars on the Internet. 

During this time, I have come to realize that much of is written in car advertisements takes a bit of knowledge to interpret, and here are a few of the more egregious examples of terms used to describe a vehicle along with what that term actually means:

Well maintained:  This means if something broke and the car wouldn't start it was taken to the dealership and it was fixed.  The oil has probably been changed at least once or twice a year, but only after the car started "making funny noises".  The car was washed at least once a month though, so that qualifies as maintenance.

Chances are this car will need to have the transmission serviced, the power steering and brake fluid replaced, the radiator flushed, the air filter, cabin air filter, and spark plugs replaced, and pretty much an entire tune up.  The suspension components need lubrication, and the alignment hasn't been checked since the Clinton administration.

Glossy paint:  The fact is, any car that has been washed on a regular basis and that isn't more than 15 years old probably has glossy paint (or will have after a good wax job) so if you see this written in an ad, it probably means there isn't much else to brag about.  The tires will be shot, the seats will be torn and faded, the stereo probably only plays music from the front passenger side speaker, and the windshield looks like it lost a battle against a gravel truck.

New tires:  This can mean a few different things.  If the car is less than three years old, this probably means the previous owner did a few burn outs and ruined the tires.  If the car has 40,000 miles or more the tires are probably new but they will be from some random tire manufacturer in China or Korea that you have never heard of, and they will probably sound like you are driving on a washboard at speeds in excess of 50mph.  The chances of finding a car with a set of new Yokohamas or Bridgestones is highly unlikely. 

Also, when a dealer brags about their used car having brand new tires, it can often be simply a way to cover up the uneven wear on the tires due to camber or toe-in issues.  Trust me... they aren't doing you any favors by putting $300 worth of cheap import tires on a used car.

Always garaged:  This probably means the owner of the car parked in the garage when at home, so those scratches on the door are from when their eight year old slammed against the car as they tried to ride their bike out into the driveway.  It also may mean the car was in pieces for several years and wasn't running so they used the back seat to store lumber and aluminum cans.  Let's just say if you open a car door and catch a strong cedar-like odor... you might want to start asking questions.

A classic barn find:  If you are in the market for a 60s muscle car or unmolested numbers-matching sports car, the idea of an old barn find is very appealing.  However, most cars that are pushed into a barn and left there for a few decades were put there because they didn't run - not because the previous owner thought it might be worth restoring one day.  The reality is, if someone advertises a car as a barn find, the engine will be seized and there won't be a battery in the car to see if it would even be possible to turn it over.  The oil in the crankcase will essentially be the consistency of road tar, the transmission fluid will look like honey, the tires will be flat and cracked from dry rot, the headliner and interior will be ripped, faded, and stained, and the driver's seat foam will be chewed up from the family of mice who has been making the car their home for the past few decades.

If someone claims their car is a barn find, chances are you are looking at at least 30 years of neglect on top of whatever forced the owner to push the car into a barn that many years ago.  You can also bet that at least a few of the parts that are meant to be installed on the engine (carburetor, valve covers, radiator, distributor etc) will be contained in cardboard boxes stored in either the back seat or the trunk.  At some point the owner will probably utter the phrase that "it just needs to be cleaned up and tuned up", but unless you are prepared for a complete frame-off restoration that could very well take three to five years of your life... this is probably a bad idea.

Adult driven:  This is a classic, and at first glance you think that means the car was probably treated with respect and that the oil was changed every 3,000 miles.  The best thing to do in this case is to examine the owner's garage when you go to look at the car.  If the garage is full of NASCAR memorabilia or the owner is wearing a t-shirt featuring their favorite race driver... you may want to reconsider.  Another good tactic is to check all the radio presets.  If they are set to the classic music, talk radio, or oldies stations you are probably in the clear, but if they are set to the hard rock, metal, and hip/hop stations chances are this "adult" is still suffering from a mid-life crisis, and the transmission, rear tires, and suspension are all shot.

One owner:  This one has always baffled me.  Why should I care if a car was owned by one person or three people?  I could see a red flag popping up if the car had been owned by five different people in the past two years, but for the most part the own owner thing is meaningless.  The one owner line can sometimes be used when a parent buys a car but every kid in the family has driven it at one point or another. 

Mechanic's Special:  This means they couldn't afford to have someone fix it for them since the cost of the necessary repairs are at least 20% greater than the blue book value of the car itself.  For every problem the car displays while it is sitting in the owner's driveway, you can easily assume there are at least five or six more that will present themselves within 45 minutes of signing a bill of sale.

Dependable:  Chances are everything that can typically go wrong with a car has probably been fixed in the past three years or so, thus the owner feels the car should be dependable from this point forward.  This is no way suggests the car has been dependable up to this point, and if you decide to take a chance you may later determine your chances of getting home on any given night depend if you are able to fix it yourself when it breaks down on the side of the road.

Missed Opportunities (An Original Short Story)

Standing in the window, Kimber noticed the glow from the streetlight fading in and out as the fog passed by. She could barely make out the car parked in the driveway across the street but the low pitched growl of the engine as it sat idling gave her all the information she required to determine it was Trey, the on-again, off-again boyfriend of Lisa – who just happened to live across the street.

Kimber didn’t know the exact model of the car, she was a girl after all, but she knew it was Trey because of the engine coupled with the muted sound of the horn… almost as if it was the car’s voice and personality, and much like a stray cat searching for a free bowl of milk, Kimber found herself becoming more familiar with it each time it visited the neighborhood.

After a few minutes of watching, Kimber could see the silhouette of Lisa climbing into the car and with a quick slam of the door, she was once again hidden from sight. As the car rolled away and the red blaze of the taillights faded into the fog, Kimber once again realized she wasn’t part of the story – she was only an observer. She didn’t have her name on the marquee, she didn’t even have a cameo, she was just another spectator who paid their $12 to watch from the cheap seats… remaining anonymous in the darkness.

It was already twenty minutes beyond ten on this Saturday night, but for Kimber it felt as if it could have just as well been five in the morning. She knew her schedule for this and any other Saturday evening, and it didn’t include a boy picking her up so they could head to a party. For Kimber a Saturday night was just another night for her to stay home, watch some television in her bedroom or perhaps read one of the old romance novels her mother had been collecting since she was in her 20s. Kimber would often times find herself reading into the night, and would only climb into bed after hearing the singing of the birds as the sun began to skulk between the curtains and reflect off of the almond color walls of her bedroom.

Her parents never questioned why Kimber seemed to sleep in on Sundays – they felt it was normal teenage behavior, but they had no idea their daughter only averaged a few hours sleep on any given night. Kimber’s room was littered with the half-read romance novels, their paper covers torn and faded from neglect, the images on the covers all blending together as if they were identical copies of the same book. Sometimes Kimber would finish two or even three books in a single day, but more often than not she would start five or six, and with none of them grasping her interest, she would simply set them aside and reach for the next.

Romance novels weren’t exactly Kimber’s favorite genre of reading material, but considering they were free, were readily available at all hours of the night, and didn’t require a lot of thought to discern their meanings, they suited her purposes just fine. She read other books as well, but it wasn’t nearly as convenient for her to have to visit a bookstore three times a week or have her father drive her across town to the library knowing full well any number of books she would check out would only quell her appetite for a day or two.

On occasion, she would spend her evenings in her father’s study, watching old home movies or his old videocassettes of sitcoms. It didn’t much matter what was on the screen, it was merely a way to pass the time and keep her mind occupied so she wouldn’t have to think about herself anymore. She found she didn’t watch movies or read books to be entertained, but rather did so to ensure her brain wasn’t in a neutral position where it would only serve to ask questions that she didn’t feel were worth finding answers for.

In the end, Kimber found numerous ways to throw away the hours she had to herself which didn’t include any human interaction… and that was essentially the goal all along. She wished to remain alone, not because she didn’t like other people, but more so because she didn’t like herself with other people. She was never comfortable around others whether that be family, friends or schoolmates. Besides, she was never a popular girl, she never was part of the crowd that produced prom queens and football stars, and she never seemed to find her niche within the whole high school popularity contest. Perhaps she didn’t fit that image of the popular girl, or perhaps it was just that she didn’t care… either way, she didn’t let herself become concerned about the situation.

It wasn’t that Kimber wasn’t an attractive girl, it wasn’t that she wasn’t a nice girl, or an intelligent girl, or a girl with a nice personality. In fact, Kimber was a very attractive girl in more than just the physical sense. During her Freshman year in high school she was even voted as the girl with the most natural beauty – so in theory that meant something. Actually, boys would regularly express interest in Kimber, but even the most devoted admirer would give up after investing weeks or even months of attention only to find out it did no good.

It seemed Kimber just wasn’t interested in boys… she never had a boyfriend throughout her entire life, and if you don’t count the time that her older sister Lana duped her into meeting William, a somewhat quirky friend of a friend, she hadn’t even had a single date. Even that night turned out to be odious, as William wound up spilling a beer all over Kimber’s jeans in some futile attempt to get into them. When it was obvious that Kimber wasn’t into random sexual encounters, (as a matter of fact Kimber had never even kissed a boy) the young man decided she wasn’t worth his time and vanished… moving on to the next victim, and forcing Kimber to call Lana for a ride home from the party where she was abandoned.

Quite simply, Kimber wasn’t the type to get involved with men, she wasn’t the type that lived her life around what party was happening Saturday night, and she wasn’t the type who worried about her reputation at high school. In all actuality, it bothered Lana much more that Kimber wasn’t a socialite like herself, and Lana took every available opportunity to “fix” her sister’s image.

Because of Lana’s status in school, the fact she was a member of the “in” crowd and the fact her parents had a fair amount of money allowed her to protect Kimber from the harshness of high school. Surely no one would dare to pick on the sister of one of the most popular girls in school and therefore, for the most part, Kimber was safe… at least for the remainder of the year while she shared the halls of school with Lana. Once Lana left next year for whatever college her friends decided was best, Kimber would be on her own, although that didn’t really concern Kimber as much as one might expect.

As Kimber sat in her living room with the lights out, she wondered why she rarely felt good inside. She knew she was smart enough, she knew she was pretty enough, and she knew she had practically everything she would ever need, but something was missing from her life. Her family cared for her a great deal and expressed interest in her lack of a social life, but somehow Kimber always had a way of diminishing the topic as if to make her parents feel as if she was normal and there wasn’t any reason for alarm.

Deep down, Kimber knew she wasn’t like everyone else. She would stare into a mirror for hours wondering what was so different about her and after a while she found she couldn’t recognize her face. She would often daydream about being someone else, yet when asked, she wouldn’t have any desire to change herself. Instead, she watched others and learned from them, trying to figure out what made their lives so seemingly interesting, while her life wasn’t worth so much as five full pages of text in a spiral bound notebook she purchased over a year ago in an attempt to document her life in some sort of a daily journal.

In truth, although Kimber knew she was different, she didn’t necessarily feel anything was wrong with her. She was actually more curious about others than concerned for herself, and she would study others to find out what made them unique from one another. She would peer from the gap between the curtains hanging in her bedroom – watching Lisa as she came and went – wondering what it would be like to live her life, questioning how one person would be comfortable interacting with so many others, while Kimber herself found it to be quite numbing and monotonous.

So the days blended together, and with time Kimber grew more distant from everyone, yet in some strange way, became closer to herself. She began to feel that she didn’t belong in her body, as if she was trapped inside of a coffin even though she was in perfect health. She knew something had to change, but she questioned what, and she didn’t feel she would be able to explain her feelings to anyone because for the most part Kimber was more intelligent that anyone she came into contact with in her daily life.

Weeks passed, and the gloomy weather caused by the spring rains actually made Kimber feel more at home with herself. She always loved the rain, and would sit in her bedroom listening to the droplets strike against the panes of glass as if they were knocking and asking for permission to enter. The wind would gust against the side of the house and force the rain to press against the windows in waves, sounding like a keyed up crowd at a basketball game. In the distance, Kimber could recognize some muted thunder and some brief flashes of lightning – if anything she was only disappointed the thunder wasn’t louder as it always seemed to comfort her.

As pleasant as the sound of the rain was, it served to remind Kimber than summer was almost here – and that meant she would have to find a way to spend her days…some way to keep her mind occupied for the time she otherwise would have been in school. There was always the idea of getting a job, but her father would have no part of it, he didn’t see why either of his daughters should ever have to work while in school. “Work comes later” he would always say…. “have fun while you can and let me worry about paying for things”. Most kids her age would probably be extremely grateful, but Kimber didn’t feel it was that big of a deal.

Now she was faced with an additional seven or eight hours a day with nothing to do, and she figured she only had a few more boxes of romance novels left - although she feely admitted she could re-read any of them… it wasn’t as if their plotlines were all that unique and she probably wouldn’t remember most of the books anyway. However, perhaps this was a summer to try something new. Perhaps this was a summer to just take a few chances and do what she wanted to do, instead of what was expected. Kimber was never the type to disobey her parents, but she didn’t feel she needed to be treated like a child either. It was time for them to start taking her seriously, and it was time for her to ensure others knew who she was. This was going to be an experiment of sorts to see how her family would react to a totally different Kimber.

Almost as if the rain served to excite her, she found herself digging through the drawer of her nightstand for her notebook. She read the first few pages of her attempt at a journal and after a few minutes of silence she proceeded to create a new entry. It was a simple entry but that is all it was intended to be. Something that served to remind her what her goals were, something that signified a beginning without forgetting the end.  It read:

May 8 – Today I am discovering I am not who I want to be. I will change – I will not fail. People will know me – I will know myself.

She stared at the words for a few minutes, and a very muted smile appeared in the corner of her mouth. She finally understood what she had to do but she didn’t understand how to do it. “Fine” she said, “I’ll just start small”. With that, she stood up from her bed, walked over to the curtains and proceeded to pull them apart – letting the dimmed sunlight enter the room for the first time in months. She could see that car in Lisa’s driveway again….but this time something was different – the engine wasn’t running, the horn wasn’t honking.

Kimber thought to herself that was a bit odd, since other than the exception of Prom night a month ago or so when Trey brought Lisa some flowers and attempted to feel comfortable with a $80 rented tuxedo, Kimber couldn’t recall ever seeing Trey actually enter Lisa’s house. Even then he was in the house less that 15 minutes…just long enough to say a few words to Lisa’s parents no doubt, and long enough to see Lisa come down the stairway in her gown, as if it was that old stereotypical scene from a movie where all eyes are on the daughter and the father proclaims how beautiful she is.

But then again, Kimber didn’t really know… she could only see what was happening outside, everything else had to be envisioned in her head – thoughts and possibilities darting in and out like a fly bouncing against a window. That didn’t change what was happening now though, so it served to catch her curiosity. Just then she saw some movement in the house… it was brightly lit inside and that made it all the easier for Kimber to watch. She saw what looked like three people, but she couldn’t be certain as they seemed to come and go from her view. She could see the flicker of a television in the living room area, catching the light reflecting off of the back wall where it projected towards the couch…..it was funny to think that Kimber had never been in Lisa’s house, but knew practically every room, every piece of furniture, and even some of the paintings hanging on the walls.

Kimber actually felt guilty spending so much time watching Lisa and her family, but she took solace in the fact that she never used a telescope or anything that would seem too invasive. She wasn’t asking to infect their lives, but only serving as a spectator from across the street, surely she couldn’t be mistaken for a stalker in any way. She knew she was walking a fine line, but she perceived a difference between watching and spying and she clearly didn’t feel this was spying. As she drew her curtains closed to prevent anyone from seeing her, she thought to herself how her first step forward had already failed. She wasn’t even able to keep her curtains open for fear of being caught spying – almost as if she suffered from some sort of addiction.

She continued to watch Lisa’s house, and the hypnotic tapping of the raindrops against the glass seemed to push Kimber in and out of a never-ending daydream. As she used what felt like the remainder of her energy to focus her eyes on the house yet again, she found it was slowly getting darker….which was a good thing since it was now even easier to see inside of the house. There was no doubt now, there were 3 separate people in the house – one of which was probably Lisa, one is obviously Trey, but the other was anyone’s guess. She had to know who it was - it suddenly became almost an obsession, and as the minutes went by and she wasn’t any closer to discovery, she became increasingly frustrated.

Finally, Kimber knew she would have to cross the street if she intended to find out for herself. Perhaps she could peer into the lower level windows and see who it was, and then disappear back into her own home without being seen. She thought to herself how odd it was that she was willing to take that much of a chance just to find out who the third shadow belonged to, but it was almost as if it was calling to her and she didn’t know how else to react.

As she threw on her jacket, she continued to peer though the front door, wondering if maybe the mystery would solve itself if Trey were to leave for some reason… wondering if the third person was there with him or if it was someone who was there with Lisa. Now there were even more questions to be answered, but Kimber didn’t know how she could ever figure that out. She slipped out of the front door and immediately was greeted by the rain against her face. She turned away for a second so she could react to it, but then turned her head again back forward and welcomed the stinging of the drops against her face. She didn’t know why, but the rain almost seemed to be breaking into her… making her feel more normal and leveled.

As she slowly stepped down the sidewalk she thought to herself how crazy this was. Why would someone get soaking wet simply to know who was in the neighbor’s house? Why would someone risk being labeled as being nosey or digging into someone else’s business just to answer a mystery? She couldn’t say exactly, but she knew this was going to be done, so there didn’t seem to be any use fighting it anymore.

Just as she reached the opposite curb it hit her – what would she do if they were looking out of the windows just as she was looking in… how could she react to that? How could she attempt and look like a “normal” person while staring through someone’s windows? Even with these thoughts, Kimber never stopped advancing on the house. It was almost as if she had the mentality of a soldier with orders to capture an objective, there simply was no option to quit, there was no option to stop.

It was then that her plan actually fell apart, just as she was half way up Lisa’s sidewalk the front door opened and there stood Lisa – staring directly into Kimber’s eyes, leaning forward slightly as if she was ready to address her. Kimber reacted almost instantly with a sense of fear – she stopped walking forward and just stood there in the rain. She didn’t know what to say, and didn’t know how to act… but she felt perhaps she would be best to just turn around and run back to her house.

Luckily for Kimber, her body didn’t react to her insane thoughts before Lisa could offer a suggestion… “get in here before you get soaked more than you already are!” she yelled – and even without hesitation Kimber darted towards the door. Not because she wanted to get out of the rain, but because she wanted to get inside of the house she had been watching for so many years. It was only after she entered and Lisa closed the door behind her than she realized she didn’t know what to say or how to explain what she was doing on her sidewalk.

“I thought you were the pizza guy” said Lisa, looking surprised, but not disgusted in any way. She continued… “so, what’s going on?”. Kimber stood there for a second and responded in an almost stuttering tone “I… I was wondering if I could use your phone… ours seems to be out or something and I left my cell phone in my locker at school”. Even she was surprised she could come up with a line like that under pressure, but it must have worked because Lisa never even questioned it. Lisa stated they just ordered pizza so it must be working, and she picked up the cordless phone to verify… “yea, it’s still working” she said. “Maybe the storm knocked yours out… Do you need to use ours?”

Kimber responded with a yes, but while Lisa was handing her the phone she suddenly realized she didn’t know who to call. Would her entire little game fall apart because she didn’t have a number handy? She thought to herself all the numbers she could remember, who could she call that wouldn’t seem odd or that wouldn’t draw attention to herself. Suddenly she began dialing… her fingernails against the keys never expressed any hesitation. She held the phone up to her ear awaiting an answer, but after 5 or 6 rings she pulled the phone away and clicked it off answering to Lisa that nobody was home. “No matter” she said… “I can wait until my dad is home and try again later with his cell”. Of course Lisa didn’t know that Kimber just called the library… at least she knew nobody would answer at this hour and it was one of the few numbers she could recall at the moment. As Kimber thanked Lisa for the phone, she turned once again towards the door, but Lisa stopped her saying that maybe she would like to stay for pizza.

Although Kimber had never thought about what might happen if she were inside, this seemed even better than anything she could have imagined. She didn’t want to seem pushy though, so she said she had better not since she didn’t want to intrude. “Oh come on” Lisa responded “it was a buy one - get one day and we will have way more than enough”. Kimber thought it best to play innocent as to not give away her real motives, so she asked “we?… so there are other people here too?”. Just then, Trey entered from the living room and said hi – and Lisa introduced them. “Trey – this is my neighbor Kimber… Kimber, this is my boyfriend Trey”. Trey responded with the standard “hey” line you might expect from a teenage boy, but it was what he said next that surprised Kimber. He said he knew her from school, and then proceeded to mention that they had two classes together last semester.

Of course Kimber knew that, but she never expected Trey to realize it – she thought she was invisible to people like him. For some reason finding out that wasn’t the case made her feel remarkable. She also was a bit shocked that Lisa knew her name, because even though they had been neighbors for several years, they never before had spoken face to face.

“Yea – I remember seeing you in a few classes too” Kimber responded…..as not wanting to sound too excited, but just then another boy entered the room – as Kimber thought to herself that this was finally and mystery person she was trying to unmask.

Lisa continued “oh yea and this is Mike… he’s Trey’s cousin, he goes to school at Lincoln… you know, over on the West side?” Mike and Kimber said hi almost simultaneously to one another, and Mike smiled as he looked into her eyes just as Kimber shifter her gaze towards the floor in a slight bout of embarrassment. Lisa told Kimber to hang up her coat and they could all go into the living room – so she unzipped her coat and hung it on the hook next to the door, leaving puddles of water to form on the tile floor underneath as it slowly drip dried – and then followed Lisa into the living room.

Kimber was very nervous, but she did her best to prevent it from showing. Lisa asked some questions about school, mutual people they would both know, and they just chatted about anything and everything. As the minutes passed, the tension melted away from Kimber’s body and she started to open up. She spoke about how she didn’t feel comfortable in high school and how she didn’t really have any friends. She spoke about how she didn’t fit in and how she had never dated anyone. She spoke about her fears, her regrets, her goals, and her dreams… all the while Lisa, Trey, and Mike asked questions, listened, and discussed every aspect of Kimber’s personality without ever sounding condescending, demeaning, or cold hearted.

Lisa apologized for not ever stopping by to say hi or for not introducing herself after she moved in, and Kimber apologized for not making herself more visible. Trey said how different Kimber was than he had imagined, and how “normal” of a person she is. Mike did his best to keep in the conversation as well, cleverly dropping a few key phrases to let Kimber know he was attracted to her and that he would like to get to know her more. A conversation that seemed to take hours actually occurred in only about 20 minutes, but it was a huge step for Kimber… and she knew it.

Just then as Kimber glanced through the slight fog that was forming in the picture window, she noticed her father’s car entering the garage across the street, and having successfully begun her process of changing herself, she felt it was a fine point to make an exit. She could use her father’s cell phone now she said, and she wanted to talk to him about some other things… in reality it was just an excuse, but she wasn’t totally relaxed around others quite yet, so she didn’t wish to push her luck on the first night. She apologized for not being able to stay for pizza, but the others understood, and Lisa even said they need to get together again sometime soon.

As she zipped up her coat for the return trip through the rain, she thanked Lisa for the use of the phone and said she would talk to her on Monday at school. Only after saying it did she even understand what she said, but it didn’t change anything because she actually meant it. Mike asked if she would be interested in going to a movie with them next weekend, and even without hesitation she said she would very much enjoy that – “it would be cool” were the words coming from her lips, even though she didn’t recognize the phrase as being one she would use. Lisa offered to set up the details when they spoke at school, and Kimber replied that she would be sure and remind her… because Kimber wasn’t about to forget.

So it began… where Kimber took a small risk and resulted in a big step she found herself in an area she had never been before. She was surrounded by people who she was comfortable with and as she said her final goodbyes and stepped into the rain, she whispered to herself how things are going to be so different from now on and how this is a day she would never forget.

As she slowly paced back across the street, she thought to herself how odd it was that Lisa was so nice, how all of them treated her like a real person, and how even though she had never said more than a few sentences to Lisa the entire time they lived directly across the street from one another – that none of them treated her like the freak she thought she was perceived as. She thought back to all of the old 80’s movies she had watched over the past few years and expected the cliché about the popular girl being so mean to actually be based on fact. She expected the boyfriend to treat her as an interruption or the friend to start badmouthing her… but none of that happened.

She wondered if all of her perceptions were that far off base. She suddenly felt this urge to find out what else she was wrong about and what else she could experience. Her mind filled with possibilities and once again a small smile appeared on her face – just as the headlights from the car appeared out of the corner of her eye and reminded her that she was still in the middle of the street. She turned to verify what she already knew and she began to process what her body needed to do to get out of the way… but it was too late. The vehicle was traveling far too fast for her to respond. The car struck her legs and threw her into the windshield – only then did the driver realize what had happened as he pressed his foot into the brake pedal in some vain attempt at stopping in time.

Kimber’s limp body slid back off of the car and onto the asphalt, striking it with just enough force to slide across the wet pavement into the curb where she struck her head against the wet and muddy concrete. Watching from her window, Lisa screamed and ran outside in a panic as Trey immediately reached for the phone and dialed 911 while Mike stood silently against the fogging glass with his mouth hanging open in disbelief almost as if he was unable to react.

As Lisa reached the curb and as she crouched down to look at the motionless body, water rolled off of her face and onto Kimber’s. If it were not for the look in Lisa’s eyes it might have been easy to confuse the tears with raindrops, but as she sat looking at Kimber’s lifeless shell, she was overcome by emotion… only to be somewhat calmed by the rigid smile on Kimber’s face – almost as if the impact from the car locked the expression on her mouth never to be removed.

As Lisa looked up at the car, the glow from a pizza delivery light sat atop the roof, with the driver motionless behind the wheel with a look of fear in his eyes. He knew the fate of Kimber even without getting out of the car to look at her and even though he may have thought he just hit a young girl he could have no idea how true those thoughts were. As it was, this particular young girl’s life had just begun… less than 30 minutes ago.